Top 11 Presidential Facial Hair

By CJ Tiernan

There was a time when the man in charge of the United States arrived in the War Room adorned with wiskers. Mustaches and Mutton Chops used to reign supreme on the Leader of the Free World's head. Good times! Below is my ranking of the very best of the presidential facial hair. Spoiler Alert: You've not had the pleasure of watching any of the Presidents below meet the nation, as Magnavox was founded more than 30 years after the most recent president on my list left office.

1. Chester A. Arthur - 21st President (1881-1885)

Look at those wispy Mutton chops! Every time he peeks over his shoulder, he has the added benefit of brushing crumbs off his own lapel. I don't know anything about his presidency but I'd imagine he was solid, because he assembled a sturdy salt-and-pepper A-Frame that peaks just south of the nostrils. It's majestic!

2. Martin Van Buren - 8th President (1837-1841)

More like Martin Van Buried in Sideburns. His hair sticks straight out like he's just been electrocuted, which would have been hard to pull off considering he took office 10 years before Thomas Edison was born. They build a wall in front of his ears that may have prevented disease, or required an earhorn to be able to hear his constituents. I don't know, I wasn't there, but they're great!

3. Rutherford B. Hayes - 19th President (1877-1881)

They don't make Rutherfords like they used to. Look at this beard! As a child, his guidance counselor in his one-room schoolhouse saw his beard and probably said "you'll have to become a lumberjack. The world needs lumber!" But he overcame and served one term as president of the United States. A real Cinderella story.

4. William Howard Taft - 27th President (1909-1913)

William Howard Taft is famous for several reasons. He still reigns as America's most corpulent Commander in Chief, but much of the other info you probably know about him is false. He didn't die in a bathtub and the 7th inning stretch was most likely created well before his attendance in the bleachers. However, that mustache is very real. He looks to have swiped the mustache straight off the face of the weightlifter guy at a carnival. Did they have mustache wax back then? Maybe he invented that.

5. James A. Garfield - 20th President (1881)

This is a neat, well-manicured look. For a man named after a cartoon cat, you'd expect to see clean whiskers. With a bushy mustache and a well-maintained beard, this is a classy, black-tie presidential look.

6. Abraham Lincoln - 16th President (1861-1865)

Honest Abe sported a few different looks over the years, but he always kept that upper lip clean. I suppose he wanted to be able to stop and smell the roses uninhibited. Or Log Cabin maple syrup, maybe? He wore the stresses of leading a divided nation on his face but covered it up nicely with a thick shag carpet across the chin.

7. Theodore Roosevelt - 26th President (1901-1909)

Roosevelt was a man's man. Physical and relentless. He also frequently swam naked, but he always wore this clean mustache. Dapper and crisp. Also, it looks like he's wearing a monocle in this picture. Sick!

8. Ulysses S. Grant - 18th President (1869-1877)

A clean, full beard look here. He served in the army as a general. I wish the Military would let our current generals rock some facial hair. The New York Yankees recently broke down and said "beards are okay" but even the Bronx Bombers allowed mustaches. This beard, in a word: gravitas.

9. Benjamin Harrison - 23rd President (1889-1893)

When Benjamin Harrison took office, the expectations were low. As the grandson of the 9th president, William Henry Harrison, the bar could have been set pretty high. But his grandfather died a month into his presidency and spent most of that month on his death bed. Don't die! That was the presidential mantra of good ol' Benjamin (at least in my mind). It meant he couldn't risk a straight razor near the neck and thus represented with a clean-looking full beard instead.

10. John Quincy Adams - 6th President (1825-1829)

JQA looks cantankerous in this picture. If he's your teacher, you're for sure gonna do the homework. He's a sideburns man. Sorry if you can't tell, he basically died around the time they invented the camera so this is like the only existing picture of him. The sharp, bushy sideburns, combined with the receding hairline, lead to a floating mutton chops look. "Floating Mutton Chops": dibs on that as my band name.

11. Grover Cleveland - 22nd & 24th (1885-1889, 1893-1897)

This thing is the definition of a cookie duster. A real walrus mustache. Grover, who may or may not be the namesake of a muppet, was the first president to serve non-consecutive terms. This concludes all I know about Grover Cleveland.

Final Thoughts

Zachary Taylor is pretty much the only other president who sported facial hair, so this list probably doesn't look too different from your own. Feel free to make your own in the comments. Also, what's is your favorite facial hair in general? Were you big on the mustache resurgance brought on by Top Gun: Maverick? You like the grizzled, mountain man look? Whatever the case, bring back the Presidential Facial Hair!