Top 11 Non-Athlete Nicknames
- CJ Tiernan
- 5 hours ago
- 6 min read
By CJ Tiernan
Nicknames of historical figures are curious. Did all of the members of his cabinet refer to Abraham Lincoln as “Honest Abe?” Did he even like that nickname? Did they just whisper it in halls of the parliament building or whatever it is or did they say it to his face? Did that nickname even exist or was it manufactured after he, so to speak, bit the bullet? I don’t know whether some of these nicknames were crafted by contemporaries or issued by historical arbiters years later. I do know they’re pretty dope. Here is my list of the Top 11 Nicknames that have been issued to humans who are famous for something other than playing a sport (I phrased it this way because, who knows, maybe Shakespeare was a killer rugby player or something. I do know it’s not what he’s recognized for today). Click here to read my Top 11 List of Athlete Nicknames.
1. The Wizard of Menlo Park - Thomas Edison
Thomas Edison is famously associated with invention. Either Edison or Ben Franklin are going to typically be the first person that pops into your head when asked to name a famous inventor. Arthur C. Clarke wrote “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The “wizard” was the man crafting inventions (or, as history has highlighted, improved upon existing inventions and commercialized them) the likes of which the world had never seen and the “Menlo Park” is the New Jersey town wherein his lab resided. Suck on that, Buzz Aldrin. You were the second man to walk on the moon and the second most famous person from Jersey (or, like, way lower than second because of Danny DeVito, Shaq, Meryl Streep, Whitney Houston, Bruce Springsteen, and Jon Bon Jovi).
2. The Bard of Avon - William Shakespeare
In school you learn a handful of things. You learn how to succeed on a standardized test without necessarily learning the material, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, and that William Shakespeare wrote in a language no one else can speak. I had to “read” a lot of his plays throughout the years and yet, I don’t understand what’s happening without someone translating his English to actual English. It’s weird to me that the most famous writer of the last 500 years is incapable of relaying his message in a digestible format. Nevertheless, he was a poet (formerly called a bard) from an English town called Stratford-upon-Avon (what!?) so it led to a super cool nickname.
3. The Black Swallow of Death - Eugene Bullard
This is the individual on this list you are least likely to know, and I’m not the best history teacher so I recommend you do a deep dive because it’s bonkers, but I will give some quick CliffsNotes. He was born in the US but fought in WWI for France (because racism, probably) as one of, if not the first, Black combat pilot. He was known for being fearless and his nickname came from his enemies (the ones that survived, presumably) as he flew at least 20 missions and shot down at least two planes. He was basically the Jackie Robinson of murder pilots. There’ve been books and movies crafted to tell his story, should you offer to spare the time. Also, on the side of his plane (in French) he painted “All blood runs red!” We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!
4. The Man of a Thousand Voices - Mel Blanc
Mel Blanc voiced Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam, Barney Rubble, Marvin the Martian, Foghorn Leghorn, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Pepé Le Pew and Captain Caveman. He likely also voiced like 990 other characters, based on his nickname. It is very impressive and very cool. Other shows he was a part of include The Flintstones, The Jetsons, The Atom Ant/Secret Squirrel Show, Tom and Jerry, The Woody Woodpecker Show, and Heathcliff. The original version of The Carousel of Progress also featured his unique vocal talents.
5. The Man of a Million Stories - Marco Polo
What’s better than a thousand voices? A thousand thousands worth of stories. Marco Polo was a famed world traveler, notably traversing the Silk Road in China and breaking bread with Kublai Khan. His tales (some of which are considered a little dubious in nature) introduced Europeans to Asian culture. Listen, you don’t rub elbows with the leader of the Mongol Empire without stealing away with a few stories. I imagine a lot of the stories would have been similar to hanging out with Vikings in their heyday, talking of pillaging and plundering and things of that ilk, but long story short: the man had tales to tell (and sell).
6. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince - Prince
This one is hilarious, right? Prince decides to spite his record label and transfers his identity into a symbol of love that is kind of like a mishmash of the symbols for male and female (but with a French horn or something mixed in). Because the symbol was not pronounceable and difficult to squeeze into a standard set of characters, he was (tongue housed in cheek) dubbed “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.” I can’t decide if the middle finger Prince gave his label is larger than the one the media gave him by branding Prince with this nickname, but I do know that I love this nickname (and, admittedly, a robust number of songs by He-Who-Can-Not-Be-Named).
7. The Oracle of Omaha - Warren Buffett
This is a very rich dude. In a world with borderline infinity money, he still lives in a house he bought in 1958 that resides in Nebraska. As a person who grew up in Iowa, I am predisposed to hate Nebraska without rhyme or reason (I’m good with that). However, putting that aside, how do you choose to stay there? Have you never heard of Italy? Or the Maldives? Or the Moon? Anyway, he’s a stock market maven who still lives in Omaha, NE so, that’s where the nickname (which is seemingly much cooler than him) comes from.
8. The Motor City Madman - Ted Nugent
You remember that picture of a wild-eyed Ted Nugent on the cover of Cat Scratch Fever? That’s the face I picture as just his natural face. Like, he grocery shops and mows the lawn and stuff with that face. He hails from the Detroit area and branded himself with the nickname, which is just crazy enough to fit perfectly with his face (and catalog of music).
9. The Muscles from Brussels - Jean-Claude Van Damme
In the movie The Expendables 2, Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a Villain (2 Ls) named Vilain (1 L). That is a perfect summation of his acting range. However, if you Google him (who among us hasn’t) you’ll find his official title to be Belgian Martial Artist. If “The Muscles from Brussels” doesn’t hit the ear perfectly with that information, I don’t what will.
10. The Prince of Darkness - Ozzy Osbourne
Did Ozzy really bite the head off a live bat? Yes (It was Des Moines, IA, there really isn’t much to do there). Did Ozzy really snort a line of ants? Yes (He was on tour with Mötley Crüe, and they were taking turns kickstarting their hearts, so…). And yet, it was his status as frontman for a band called Black Sabbath during the height of the Satanic Panic that ushered in the nickname. He just, you know, owned it. Like, really leaned into it.
11. Stormin' Norman - Norman Schwarzkopf
Oh boy, more Social Studies homework. This guy was a general in the US Army during the Gulf War (’90-‘91ish). He is highly decorated and we offer our salutes to show proper respect for his efforts in keeping our nation safe. He’s also named Norman, like the guy from Cheers. He earned the Stormin’ half of his rhyming moniker from his intense, no-nonsense leadership style during the Gulf War. He had a desire to be at the front of the pack with his troops and was famous for his aggressive tactics. The media latched onto the rhyme and ran with it. Funny how that happens. Before today, “Stormin’ Norman” was all I knew about Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf. Salute to you, sir.
There have got to be a million nicknames floating around out there for historical figures. It seems like political figures have them a lot, but there are some good ones for other disciplines as well. If you’ve got one you feel should have been on the list, please let me know in the comments section. Thanks so much for reading! I left a few nicknames that just missed my list down below.
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