Top 11 Hats
- CJ Tiernan
- 15 hours ago
- 5 min read
By CJ Tiernan
It’s my estimation that when James P. Hat invented the first hat over two hundred years ago, he sat down at a picnic table in the sun, with his brow shaded, and said, “ahhh. That’s nice.” Again, I wasn’t there, I’m just guessing. Since then, the hat industry exploded. You can’t throw a stick of dynamite these days without hitting a haberdashery. Tall hats, short hats, soft hats, hard hats, there are so many hats you could put a hat on a hat (I mean, you knew I was gonna use this one somehow). I actually don’t wear hats that often. As you’ll see, my favorites skew toward a bygone era. Nevertheless, I’m a fan. Below is a list of my Top 11 Favorite Hats I’ve ever seen or heard of .
1. Crown
They say, “heavy is the head that wears the crown.” I’ve also heard it said that power goes to your head. Takeaway? Power is heavy. That said, I think it’s worth the tradeoff if you’ve managed to earn the right to sport one of these bad boys. Is earn the right word? You either get it by being born at the right time in a family of royalty or for being popular in High School. Anyway, they’re made of precious metals and righteous gemstones so they’re quite exquisite.
2. Fedora
The fedora is the leather jacket of the hat world: effortlessly cool and stylish but always looks better on someone else. Iconic accessory to gangsters of yore (like Frank Sinatra) and bohemian baddies (like Johnny Depp), the fedora is worn askew on the head in manner most perfect. It’s a style that says both, “I don’t want the sun in my eyes” and “I have no idea where my center of gravity is.” Classy.
3. Tricorne Hat
Tragically, this hat has fallen out of style. It will forever remain associated with two distinct parties: pirates and both sides of the American revolution. I’m not sure of the utility back in the day, but if I had one now, I think it’d serve as a great locale for secondary storage. You could put candies in there or chips and dip. The possibilities are limitless (well, technically you’ve only got three spots so, there’s your limit).
4. Top Hat
Here’s another hat whose sight will instantly trigger the fear you’ve accidentally time traveled. My favorite of the top hats is the one sported by the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland (with the 10/6 card tucked in the hat band. An improper fraction would be unthinkable in today’s polite society). If you’re wondering, a stovepipe hat is considered a top hat, just one with a growth spurt and no hips, so this is the hat Abraham Lincoln nestled atop his dome.
5. Sombrero
The word somber is nearly embedded inside of the name of this hat and yet it may well be the happiest of all the hats. I cannot picture someone frowning whilst wearing a sombrero. I can picture someone in one while mackin’ on fried ice cream at Chi Chi’s. I submit life would be more fun in a sombrero (also, as someone who burns easily, I need to invest in one for the golf course. Maximum coverage).
6. Hard Hat
Safety First! (or 6th, in this case). Think about the reason that one would wear a hard hat. It’s to save the head. Like, from damage, from above. That’s wild. Construction workers, road crew, and miners all go to work at jobs that have been deemed too risky to attend without a hard hat. Yikes! Raise a glass to those all-stars! (But don’t look up! There’s no face mask). Also, did you know there is a color heirarchy to hard hats? I always just picture them as yellow or orange, but there are actually a bunch of different colors and they mean something.
7. Chef's Hat (Toque)
I put the "toque" in parenthesis because I didn’t know that’s what chef’s hats were called (also toque apparently has multiple, distinct meanings). I always just called them chef’s hats. Heck, I once said, “the guy wearing the chef’s hat” instead of the shorter and more obvious “chef.” Some have said that the pleats in the hat represent either the years of experience or number of recipes mastered. I don’t know if that’s true but if it is, there must be so many pleats inside the kitchens of The Cheesecake Factory.
8. Cowboy Hat
Synonymous with Texas, a southern drawl, and country music, the cowboy hat has had the sting taken out of it over the years. Back in the sepia-toned days, a cowboy hat was worn across the wild west by men on horses, carrying guns (the cowboys carried the guns, not the horses. Although… I’d watch that movie). Now, it kinda just feels like the thing to do when you’re in Nashville for a long weekend. Still, they’re undeniably iconic.
9. Fez
Quick: what’s the first thing you think of when you see a fez? If it’s not Morocco Mole (the master of disguise sidekick to Secret Squirrel) than you and I do not park our cars in the same garage. Fun fact: Fez is actually the name of the second largest city in Morocco. I know what you’re thinking. Man, when it comes to the fez, all roads lead to Morocco. But the reality is, The Medina in Fez (or Fes) is actually an ancient walled city that is inaccessible to cars (the largest contiguous such area in the world). That’s a large number of fun facts for a small hat.
10. Propeller Hat
The propeller hat is inextricably linked to the nerd. They were (maybe still are) gifted to new hires at Google (Google and propeller hats share the same color scheme). While they lack practicality (they don’t actually allow for liftoff. Damn you, Bernoulli!), they are undeniably unique. They’re also small enough that they can cover a bald spot whilst allowing for the remainder of your luscious mane to flow free. Practical after all.
11. Witch Hat
While not necessarily the base of power, the witch hat is an iconic piece of the wiccan wardrobe. Usually coupled with a black cloak, a black cat, and a black caldron (has there ever been a rainbow witch?), the black witch hat magically stays atop the head during flight (I guess I’ll buy that. If you can make household cleaning supplies fly, you can figure out how to keep your hat from blowing away in the night air). The hat is tall and pointy, making it a markedly different shape than all the other hats on this list.
Final Thoughts
Dude, there are so many different types of hats. There are tons that I left off this list that are classic, unique, or ubiquitous. This could have been a Top 111 List. Alas, that’s not what I do here. If you fear I’ve left your favorite hat out in the cold, please let me know in the comments. I’m also willing to accept compliments if your list looks exactly like mine. Well, honestly that would be weird and shocking. Again, there are so many hats. As always, here’s a list of hats that just missed my list. Thanks! Have a great day!
Jester Hat
Stocking Cap
Cloche
Deerstalker
Coonskin Cap
Tam O'Shanter
Baseball Cap
Mortar Board
Swim Cap
Balaclava
Pork Pie Hat
Homburg
Bowler Hat
Santa
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