By CJ Tiernan Like so many green-grass observers before me, I covet that which I cannot have. Cling though I may to my falsetto-imbued youth, I simply can’t hit the high notes. In fact, given my lack of musical talent and know-how, I cannot be reliably entrusted to hit a single selected note along the open maw of a baby grand. I am, therefore, left to gape in awe at those who can. To surrender to their sonic beauty and envelop my ears in their auditory majesty. Without further ado, here is the list of my Top 11 Favorite Female Singing Voices I’ve ever heard. Enjoy! 1. Whitney Houston PH2 Mark Kettenhofen, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons Accolades for Whitney Houston include arguably the greatest rendition of the nation anthem of all time and one of the greatest cover songs of all time (see my Top 11 Cover Songs here for the deets). She also amassed 6 wins at the Grammys over a 15-year run between the mid-80s and 2000. Perhaps her most undercelebrated achievement was generating a mononym out of a name as common as Whitney. Seriously, someone say Whitney, and you know they're talking about her. Her voice was second to none and is rightly remembered as such. Alas, drugs are so bad. She holds the dubious honor of being the highest-earning (no pun intended) posthumous female, according to Guinness World Records. She was also nicknamed “The Voice,” so I feel like there can’t be a lot of argument here in her position as "Number 1 Female Voice." That’d be like arguing who is the grumpiest character of all time between Eeyore and Oscar the Grouch. Grouch is in the name, dude! (Oh wait, I forgot there was a dwarf called Grumpy). 2. Kelly Clarkson Kelly Clarkson came to fame in America in a very American way: Reality TV. She won the first ever season of American Idol, which was an off-shoot of a British show with the same title (minus the word American). There is nothing more American than someone winning a competition and becoming famous on a show we stole from another country. She was is an American Girl (thanks, Tom Petty). Much like Whitney, she may be most famous for a cover song (her debut single was “A Moment Like This”), although I’d argue “Stronger,” “Since U Been Gone,” and “Breakaway” are better. She also wrote some bangers like “Because of You” and “Already Gone.” Now, I must confess (as we live in the age of disclosure): Kelly Clarkson is my celebrity crush, so every time she sings a love song, I’m out here grabbing at all the hearts like a child chasing bubbles. Occasionally, she has fallen victim to the trap many great singers of the 21st Century have tumbled into: an overreliance on Auto-Tune. But one listen to a live version of her voice and you know, she is an all-time great with an all-time great voice. 3. Lady Gaga Lady Gaga burst on to the scene like Madonna 2.0. She had elaborate costumes and all sorts of wild stylistic choices that were a less-than-subtle cry to “look at me.” And we did. Who among us doesn’t remember the meat dress? Or the giant egg? Now those seem tame compared to the annual Met Gala, but back then: everyone and their mother was clutching some pearls. But when you sifted through the throng of little monsters and actually heard her voice: Holy Smokes! You can see (and defend) why she took her pseudonym from a song sung by Freddie Mercury. She’s got the pipes to back it up. 4. Adele It’s often said that when people sing, they lose their accent. In fact, they actually call it the singing accent. Adele is so British she powers through the singing accent and comes through British on the other side. From ballads to pop, this Brit knows no bounds. Her voice is incredible and powerful and relentless and tender. If you nestled soft-serve ice cream in a basket of clouds and wrapped it in velvet, you’d get an idea for how smooth and soothing her voice is. 21 is one of my favorite albums of all time (click here to see my Top 11 List of Songs from the Album 21). It is, like Maxwell House, good to the last drop. 5. Celine Dion You remember “My Heart Will Go On?” The song that captured hearts across America in 1997? (and ’98, because that boat movie was in the theater for like a year straight). That was Celine Dion, and yet it’s not even my favorite song of hers in the 90s. That title belongs to "The Power of Love," which was a cover song she released a few years earlier. Sometimes people are so great at singing, that they just pop over to the vocal equivalent of the candy store and say dibs. What are you gonna do? Say no to Celine? She's Canadian, and probably asked really nice. 6. Ann Wilson This is the first artist on the list that was more a member of a band than a solo figure. However, if you’ve ever heard a song by the rock band Heart, you’ll back me up on this. Her voice is incredible. She had a big voice and (in the 80s, at least) bigger hair. And, she was rocking out with her sister Nancy! How fun! A family affair. I’ve always dreamed of having a rock band with my siblings and then I went and didn’t learn any instruments. Alas, these dreams go on… 7. Nina Simone Sinnerman. That one word should be enough to jog your memory, if you don’t recognize the name. It is an incredible song. Simone, nicknamed “The High Priestess of Soul,” best highlighted the idea that there is more to singing than hitting the right notes at the right time. There is an energy and emotion you have to inject in to the performance to achieve greatness. She achieves that and more with her work. “Feeling Good” actually leaves you feeling good. Now that’s really something. Wait, can we go back for a second. “The High Priestess of Soul” is one of the sickest nicknames in history. It conjures this image of a mix of Voodoo and the blues. Glorious! 8. Stevie Nicks Don’t be fooled by the name, Stevie Nicks belongs on this list. She not only had a stellar solo career but showed up to Fleetwood Mac just in time to foment the best run of the band’s history. Her second album with the band, Rumours (spelled the British way because some of the band members were British and the Britons don’t believe in being economical with their spelling), is widely considered one of the greatest albums of all time (7th according to Rolling Stone magazine). Worry not, dear reader, she’s not just a master of the vocal pipe organ. Stevie is a master song writer as well. She wrote "Dreams," “Landslide,” and “Rhiannon,” among other songs for both herself and others (Aw man, I should have said she showed up to Fleetwood Mac in the Nicks of time). 9. Tina Turner Allow me to pose this little hypothetical: “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” From her days partnered up with Ike in the 60s writing and singing soul and rock, to her days in the 80s churning out pop rock, Tina Turner was an ageless, unstoppable machine of auditory glory. Nicknamed the “Queen of Rock ‘n’ Roll,” Turner was an incomparable voice with remarkable stage presence. She rocked and rolled her way through such a large part of history that she was able to have a 50th anniversary tour, which was aptly named “Tina!: 50th Anniversary Tour” (no members of the 27 Club were able to whiff that level of longevity). Turner is one of, as she sang in the late 80s, The Best. 10. Pink If you thought that P!nk wasn’t going to show up on this list, than you M!ssundaztood the assignment. While it may have been Steven Tyler’s favorite color, Pink went the extra mile and made it her identity. Raise Your Glass to a singer who knows how to Get the Party Started and does so with a delightful mix of verve, self-deprecation, and heart. So What, you say? The f-you energy coupled with the care to release positive vibes into the world is rare and should be celebrated, as should this underrated voice. You can’t just, like, take a pill for the skills she’s got. 11. Dolores O’Riordan Here’s another woman who couples amazing singing chops with the ability to write music. She was the chief singer/songwriter for the band The Cranberries. You may be familiar with some of their delicious jams. They were a mainstay on 90s radio with songs like “Dreams” (different than the Fleetwood Mac song, which was used, in a delightful twist, in that video with the skateboarder drinking cranberry juice), “Linger,” “Zombie,” and “Free to Decide.” The Irish singer’s country of origin was completely unbeknownst to me until well after the Y2K scare (the singing accent strikes again) but now that I know, I can’t unhear it. Mixing punk, the 90s, and Ireland created this breathtaking sound and O’Riordan’s signature voice is a big reason why. It’s almost like she’s yodeling at times. You don’t see a lot of yodeling outside of a syndicated episode of The Price Is Right. Final Thoughts The human voice is a magnificent marvel and isn’t it fun that men and women have (at least typically) different ranges. I love the female voice and you’ll notice that, by and large, my list isn’t loaded with present-day names. That is not by accident. I have not enjoyed the proliferation of Auto-Tune. It is hiding voices. Plus, more and more, a lot of female pop singers sing with a mumbled cadence, throwing diction to the wind like a kicker testing the elements by sprinkling some Bermuda or Kentucky Bluegrass. I love a striped-down song, just a singer and a piano. A balladeer and a bass. A troubadour and a trumpet. A crooner and a keytar. I celebrate these artists because I love their voices; because their voices power through the monotony of a day and stop you in your tracks with an audible “Whoa!” I’m sure you have your own favorite voices that I left off the list. Please let me know in the comments if I’ve made any egregious and unforgivable errors. I left a few that just missed mine at the bottom. Thanks! Have a great day! Allison Krauss Mariah Carey Dolly Parton Alicia Keys Gwen Stefani

By CJ Tiernan Have you ever heard someone’s name and thought: "oh, that’s delicious!" Well I have, and I did something about it. I made this list. I went through all the celebs I could think of and weeded out the ones with animal names (see that Top 11 List here) or location names (like America Ferrera, A’ja Wilson, and Diamond Dallas Page) or vacation option names (like Lake Bell, Tom Cruise, and The Beach Boys) and was left with this sweet and savory list. Here are my Top 11 Celebrities with Foods in their Names that I could think of. I grouped several with the same name together as a tie, so you get some bonus celebs (just what the world needs: more beautiful people). 1. John Candy NBC, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons Someone born with candy in their name had better be sweet. Boy-oh-boy did John Candy deliver on that promise. He polka polka polkaed his way into our hearts and has remained there ever since. He was funny and affable and liked football. Can you ask for anything more than that from anyone? 2. Brie Larson / Allison Brie A first name Brie and a last name Brie: cheesy bookends! Allison burst on the scene in Community (which is actually the first place I saw Brie Larson, when she played the coat check girl) as the Type-A Annie. Larson is best known for playing Captain Marvel (and winning an Oscar for her work in Room). Two Hollywood stars: two Bries in a pod. 3. Jon Hamm Jon Hamm is the guy from Mad Men. I found that show too boring to stick with (I only watched the first season, back when Netflix was mailing out DVDs) which is why I was delighted to see him try his hand at comedy. He was very funny in multiple collaborations with Tina Fey (like 30 Rock and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) and in comedies like Bridesmaids and on SNL. He is, and I apologize in advance, quite a ham. 4. Chuck Berry / Halle Berry Chuck Berry is an essential element of Rock & Roll as we know it today. He got in on the ground floor, like investing in Netflix back in the early aughts (huh, I really have Netflix on the brain. Must be all these movie stars). Maybe it was sheer talent, maybe it’s Maybellene (that’s a great joke if you know that his guitar and one his songs is named Maybellene). Halle Berry is someone you definitely know. She was a Bond girl, Catwoman, an X-Men (X-Man? X-Woman?), and the star of endless heist movies and criminal underworld flicks. My favorite movie of hers is Bulworth. Also, it’s weird how close the name of the young woman that stared in the live-action Little Mermaid movie is to Halle Berry. Her name is Halle Bailey and she had the nerve to try and take the mononym “Halle.” Halle Berry is only one Halle, and there will only ever be one Halle. 5. Tim Curry This is the second guy on my list that makes an appearance in a Home Alone movie. While it may not be his most famous role, his smile dissolving seamlessly into the smile of The Grinch lives rent-free in my head. Plus, my brother does an impression of him saying, “have a lovely day” often enough that I always go here first when thinking of Tim Curry. I haven’t seen Rocky Horror Picture Show (audible gasp) but I do love the movies Clue and Muppet Treasure Island so, I know Tim Curry. 6. Jerry Rice / Condoleezza Rice This is a fun pair of humans to mush together. Jerry is often considered not only the greatest WR in NFL history (with the records to back it up) but the greatest player full stop. That is fun company for a former Secretary of State and whatever other political stuff she did. It’s odd that Jerry’s nickname in college was “World” (because there wasn’t a ball in the world he couldn’t catch) considering that “Jerry World” is now synonymous with a completely different NFL figure and rival city. 7. Sean Bean Here’s a guy who is most famous for being the guy that dies in almost every movie he’s in (should that be a spoiler alert?). Not since the Wilhem scream or the Kennedy surname has anything been so closely associated with death. Interestingly, my two favorite Sean Bean vehicles (The Martian and National Treasure) leave him completely unharmed. Cool Beans! 8. Kevin Bacon If I was ranking these celebrities purely on the food contained within their name and not the person themselves, this dude would be number one. I don’t know if you’ve ever had bacon but, um, it’s really good. Kevin may be separated by only six degrees, but when making bacon, you’re gonna wanna go all the way to at least 145 degrees for an internal temp to adhere to food safety best practices and avoid Botulism. 9. Fiona Apple I know Fiona Apple for one hit. The song “Criminal” is an absolute ‘90s staple and no playlist from the era is complete without it. Apples, on the other hand, well, I think there are like a hundred different kinds, or like, maybe thousands. Anyway, there are definitely a lot, which is crazy because I feel like when I was a kid there were three: red, yellow, and green. 10. Ice-T / Ice Cube / Vanilla Ice Apart from the bully in Hocus Pocus that steals the shoes (the one with Ice shaved into his hair), this concludes the list of humans using the name Ice that I’m aware of (seriously, you remember in the ‘90s when people would shave numbers and words into their hair? That’s weird, right?). How fun that they’re all rappers! The real question is: did they become rappers because they were named Ice, or did they adopt the name Ice because they became rappers? It’s a real chicken-and-egg mindbender. Oh, I forgot Ice Spice. She was someone in the Dunkin Donuts commercials (I don't know if she raps, though). 11. Meat Loaf Full disclosure: Meat Loaf is not his real or given name. However, because I can’t put his real name on this list without Googling it, Meat Loaf is his name in my book. The two-sided cassette tape of Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell was the soundtrack of my youth. My dad had it in his truck pretty much all throughout the ‘90s and we listened to it over and over again. It had some killer tracks like “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That),” “Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through,” “Everything Louder than Everything Else,” and “Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are.” The titles are almost as long as the songs themselves, but Jim Steinman (the guy that wrote the songs) wouldn’t have it any other way (Meat Loaf was born Marvin Lee Aday, by the way… you can see why he’d change it to a pile of ground meat formed in a loaf pan). Final Thoughts There are tons of celebrities with foods (and other fun stuff) hiding in plain sight upon their name tags. I’m sure your list looks different than mine. I can’t wait to see it when you leave it in the comments section. As someone who was basically born with a nickname, I’m a big fan of words and names. It's just a fun game to me. I’m sure I’ll do another celebrity names Top 11 Lists before too long. Until then, I’ll leave a small list of the ones that just missed this list down below. Thanks! Have a great day! Carrot Top Christy Carlson Romano Brandy Will Fries Coco Gauff

By CJ Tiernan Everybody’s got a birthstone. They are as universal as accidentally bashing your pinky toe into some immobile object whilst absentmindedly navigating the living room. Some months have multiple stones to choose from, so I had to leave more than one on the cutting room floor. Nevertheless, I believe I’ve conjured a pretty rock-solid list 😁. Please enjoy my list of my Top 11 Birthstones. 1. Emerald - May DonGuennie (G-Empire The World Of Gems), CC BY-SA 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons “Foul!” you may cry, as I’ve opted for my own birthstone as the first place trophy winner. Much like our own brand of flatulence, don’t we all love our own brand? It’s green, which is my favorite color, and not just green but a regal sort of green (the emerald, not the flatulence). In fact, I enjoyed The Wizard of Oz in part because of the fictional city that prominently features the Emerald name. I’m sure masons who prefer working with yellow bricks know the feeling. 2. Aquamarine - March EmbodimentofAlterity, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons Much like the color that bears its name, the Aquamarine is such a fun shade of blue. It screams tropical waters and island vacation. The word itself is interesting because “aqua” means “water” and “marine” means “of the sea.” It kinda feels like they double-dipped the definition chip. 3. Peridot - August Michelle Jo, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons Question: Is it green? Answer: Yeah, yeah it’s green. Question: Is that why it’s so high on your list? Answer: Yeah, yeah it is. Here's the thing: I love the color green and will not apologize for that. Plus, it’s a fun green. It’s a light-colored green that almost looks like it would glow in the dark. That said, I would have zero confidence in my effort, if challenged to pronounce the word "Peridot" out loud. 4. Ruby - July Humanfeather, CC BY 3.0 , via Wikimedia Commons This is the gemstone I most associate with royalty. Fun fact: rubies and sapphires both hail from the mineral corundum, leading some to refer to rubies as “red sapphires.” I like the ruby more so maybe I’ll start calling sapphires “blue rubies” (Yeah, that’ll show ‘em). 5. Alexandrite - June User: at en.wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0 , via Wikimedia Commons Alexandrite possesses a dose of magic within. Depending on the light, it can vary from a reddish purple to a blueish green. The same birthstone swinging that wildly in color? The Alexander after which it was named must have been some kind of two-faced, bipolar monstrosity, right? But no. While several Russian Czars over the years were acclaimed for inbreeding and mental illness, Alexander II was a man of the people (until his people rose up and killed him. Don’t you hate it when that happens). 6. Sapphire - September Chip Clark, Smithsonian staff, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons The Sapphire is a deep, rich blue color with lots of sparkle. It falls behind only the diamond in terms of hardness. Measured on the Mohs scale of Hardness from 1 (talc – basically raw talcum powder) to 10 (diamond), the Sapphire is a 9. It measures in at a 9 and is the birthstone for the 9th month of the year. Coincidence? Yep. Completely. 7. Tanzanite - December wela49, CC BY-SA 3.0 , via Wikimedia Commons Tanzanite straddles the line between blue and purple. It’s only fitting because it’s named for the country of Tanzania, which straddles the line between clouds and sea level. It has both the plains of the Serengeti and Mount Kilimanjaro. If asked to describe Tanzanite in one word, I nominate “Blurple.” 8. Tourmaline - October W.carter, CC BY-SA 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons Unlike most birthstones, Tourmaline is a choose-your-own adventure stone. It comes in countless colors, including a pink and green one they call “watermelon.” How fun is that? One could craft an entire color palette with Tourmaline. You could even build a crown using only Tourmaline (Tourmaline Crown – dibs on that as my band name!). 9. Moonstone - June Wouter Hagens, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons Moonstone: it sounds cool and it looks cool. What more do you need from a gemstone? According to the folklore and mythology of some cultures, the moonstone could give one the ability to see the future, if held in the mouth during a full moon (Yum!). Is that not enough? How about some cultures believing the stone was actually trapped beams of moonlight? (History be crazy). Anyway, they shimmer and shine and look divine so they make the list. 10. Sardonyx - August Pureales, CC BY-SA 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons How does one describe Sardonyx to the uninitiated? They look as though a distant planet, rings and all, has been hardened or frozen in time. Sardonyxes (Sardonyxi?) are colorful zebra rocks, with red, orange, yellow and white as the most common flavors. It also sounds like an evolution for the Pokémon Onix (did you know the Pokémon is spelled with an “I” instead of a “Y”? Crazy, right?). 11. Turquoise - December Tess Mattew, CC BY-SA 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons This is the second birthstone on my list that doubles as a shade of blue-green. Is there a birthstone called teal? If there is, I’m so there. I love how vibrant this stone is. Plus, the Turquoise has a different style than many others. There is no translucence with this birthstone. It’s just a rock (sorry, Charlie Brown) with a crazy fun color. Final Thoughts I know I left a bunch off the list that are pretty cool. Such is life, when lived 11 items at a time. As always, I implore you to utilize the comments section to stand up and let your favorites be heard. Below is a list of the birthstones that just missed my Top 11. Thanks! Have a great day! Garnet - January Amethyst - February Spinel - August Diamond - April Bloodstone - March Citrine - November Pearl - June Topaz - November

By CJ Tiernan Every single person has a name. It’s famously a common way of telling one another apart (along with finger prints, dental records, and whether you’re Team Edward or Team Jacob) or used to gather ones attention when shouted across a room. If it’s supposed to be a unique designation, why do we end up with so many people named John or Jack or Bort? Names, to make a long story short, need to be more adventurous. We need to normalize having names crazy enough that asking someone how their name is spelled is a daily task. I worked with a guy named Dhruv once. That was sick! Moon Unit is easily spelled, but for whatever reason it never caught on. We need more of that. Anyway, some parents out there managed to pull the trigger and actually give their kids some out-of-the-box names. Below is my list of the Top 11 Greatest Celebrity Names I’ve ever heard. The list is restricted to humans that lived during my lifetime (Historical Names as a future Top 11? Stay tuned). Enjoy! 1. Wolf Blitzer This is a news guy. I don’t really ever watch him or know exactly what flavor of news because, well, the news is disappointing and life is too short to actively seek out disappointment. Wolf Blitzer sounds like the linebacker designation for a creative pressure package in football. The internet once proclaimed, “always be yourself, unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman.” I would like to alter that claim to include being named Wolf Blitzer. Life just seems like it’s steeped in pizzazz when you’re named Wolf Blitzer (dibs on Steeped in Pizzazz as my band name). 2. Alexis Denisof This sounds like the name of a Bond villain or a Russian Oligarch. It is quite the surprise to find it’s a man who played a nebbish character in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with his nose always buried in a book. You can, however, rest assured that he played a character with an equally satisfying name: Wesley Wyndam-Price. He also played Sandy Rivers in How I Met Your Mother, so he knows how the name game is played. Say, here’s a fun game to play. What gender do you first associate with the name Alexis? I think of it first as a women’s name, but I’ve actually met more men with the name. It’s a game you can play with a lot of different names: Jamie, Angel, Parker, Jordan, Quinn, Ash, Riley, and so many more! 3. Zazie Beetz Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America, CC BY-SA 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons I have a rule. It, like all rules, is fragile and usually kept in a drawer where it can’t be accidently broken, but it goes as follows: Z is cool. The letter ‘Z’ is inarguably awesome and beefs up not only the word in which it is contained, but like a superspreader with no sense of social distance principals, tags the words in its immediate vicinity, enhancing the cool. Why do you think they use it as the symbol for someone being asleep? There are no Zs in sleep. Parents commissioned Big Sleep way back in the day to use the ‘Z’ to make sleep cool so their kids would go to bed and they could watch the latest episode of Murder, She Wrote, or whatever. Zazie Beetz has three Zs. Three! She’s got so much cool she can sell it back to the A/C company for a profit. 4. Rip Torn Alright, here it is. The question you’ve had ever since you first saw the end credits to Men in Black. Is Rip Torn this guy’s real name? The answer: kinda. His birth name is Elmore Rual Torn but he, like many family members before him (including both his father and grandfather) was given the nickname “Rip”. It was part of a longstanding tradition. I, as someone who goes by CJ and has all my life, support a nickname used in everyday life as a real name. So, yeah. We’ve got a dude named Rip Torn running around out there (or, at least, we did until 2019). But, Patches O’Houlihan would not have wanted us to weep. He’d want us to get back out there and dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge everything life has to throw at us. 5. Benedict Cumberbatch What if you owned a breakfast restaurant and you fleshed out the offerings purely with menu items that played on celebrity names. You’ve got the French Stewart Toast, the Kevin Bacon Strips, and the Mr. Iced T., all served at a table with Salt-N-Pepa and Sugar Ray Leonard. You play songs off the Breakfast in America album, “Toast” by Streetband and “Banana Pancakes” by Jack Johnson. What a fun idea! Did we just write a business plan? Anyway, Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch was the non-sequitur, if you were confused. 6. Rider Strong Is it too on the nose to call this a strong name? The guy that played Corey’s friend Shawn in Boy Meets World, the classic rebellious teen. If the name isn’t the very epitome of a strong name, I don’t know what is. You want to know his middle name? It’s King. He is Rider King Strong. That is the very quintessence of my point about using names. Assign your child a kingdom at birth and they’ll never hunger again. 7. Giancarlo Esposito I like when a name sounds like a line of poetry. There is rhythm to this name. It takes you on a sonic ride, as though you’re being swished back and forth through the air like the rapier of Zorro. I have zero idea what ethnicity he is (apart from American), but he knows multiple languages and carries himself with such regal grace I would gladly serve under his royal tutelage. Salute to you, you magnificent, 8-syllable wonder of the world. 8. Temple Grandin This sounds more like a location secreted away by the Knights Templar than the moniker of a woman, but that’s what makes it fun. She is perhaps the most famous person to gain notoriety for a disorder since Hellen Keller, but she is so much more. Grandin is an animal scientist and an inventor, but she’s is also an author and an advocate. Creator of the hug machine (also called squeeze machine and hug box, because squeeze box was already taken by the accordion), she is a champion for those on the autism spectrum, because she, herself, resides there. 9. Finn Wolfhard Alright. So, what did we learn here? We’ve clearly learned that putting the word “wolf” in your name instantly makes your name dope. This is the guy that played Mike in Stranger Things. Can you imagine going through everyday life as Finn Wolfhard and then having to pivot to Mike? It’s like enjoying a lasagna dinner every day and then suddenly being forced to consume seaweed snacks instead [involuntary shiver at the thought of eating seaweed]. 10. Mahershala Ali Muhammad Ali did kind of a fun thing. He took the name “Ali”, which already meant elevated or exalted, and made it synonymous with “the greatest”. He managed this whilst also having the most common first name in the world (as any 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor can attest). Mahershala (pronounced how it’s spelled) took the name in another direction. Raise a hand for every Mahershala you’ve met in person. Wow, would you look at that. You didn’t drop your phone. 11. Taika Waititi Usually, the term four eyes is used as a pejorative against those who wear glasses. It is an antiquated insult that seemingly would actually be a benefit, if true, unless the bonus eyes were on your feet or something (dibs on Bonus Eyes as my band name). But Taika Waititi has four of the letter I in his name, so I doubt he endured such name calling episodes in his native New Zealand. Like Zazie Beetz before him, he appears to have the wonderful personality to match the whimsical name. Final Thoughts Yes, I will admit, not every single name on here is actually a birth name. Take that as an invitation. If you feel you are destined for greatness, but you’re saddled with the name Jane Smith or, heaven forbid, Gilbert, you can change your name. It might involve a court and some legal documents, but you have the power to match your identity to your identifier. Once you get over that pesky age-18 hurdle, your parents wipe their hands of you and you can do the same of them (although, like, I love my family, so I can’t really envision or condone that action personally but, you do you). If I missed any of your favorite names, please let me know in the comments. I will leave a list of some of the names that just missed my Top 11 down below. Again, as everyone has a name, it was a long list to choose from. Thanks! Have a great day! Tig Notaro Charisma Carpenter River Phoenix Rue McClanahan Bob Balaban Benicio Del Toro Tupac Shakur Macaulay Culkin Taraji P. Henson Zoë Kravitz Orlando Bloom Zendaya

By CJ Tiernan When you first hurdle the childhood benchmark of learning to read, it opens up a world of possibilities. Suddenly, you can pick up a book and read it all on your own (Awesome!). You can both explore a new world, and learn and grow doing it. It creates your first real moment of autonomy as a human being and sends your squishy little brain into overdrive. Below is a list of my 11 favorite books that I read as a child. I read these books over and over and over again. 1. Harold and the Purple Crayon Written and Illustrated by Crockett Johnson Published in 1955 This book, about a young boy with the power to shape his world by drawing anything with just a purple crayon, was my favorite book growing up. It displayed a malleable world with infinite possibilities. Starting around the age of 8 or 9, every time I made a wish by blowing out the candles on a birthday cake or tossing a coin in a fountain, I wished for the same thing: car keys (I know, I know. Now that I told you, it won't come true). Not a full-on car mind you, or even the ability to drive a car, I just wanted keys. I saw holding keys as the gateway to go anywhere I wanted and thus do anything I wanted. That was Harold and his purple crayon. He could travel anywhere because he could draw anything and craft his own path to it. Granted, he's a young kid, so he accidentally draws his nightmares, brings to fruition his worst fears and wishes desperately that he was back home in bed but, who hasn't been there. 2. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs Written by Judi Barrett Illustrated by Ronald Barrett Published in 1978 In our world, barring the occasional emergency supply drop, food does not fall from the sky. I like reading about a world where that's possible. While the weather does escalate to the point that the townspeople are forced to abandon the city of Chewandswallow, it is a fun and whimsical story. It's also a story within a story, as the grandfather is telling the tale to his grandkids, not unlike the format of "The Princess Bride." There's something that makes you warm and fuzzy inside about hearing a story from a grandpa. 3. The Big Orange Splot Written and Illustrated by Daniel Manus Pinkwater Published in 1977 "My house is me, and I am it. My house is where I want to be and it looks like all my dreams." That is the life mantra of Mr. Plumbean, the persecuted protagonist who butts up against the local HOA by shaping his home in his image. It creates a wave of individualism that spreads throughout the neighborhood. A magically beautiful tale of being yourself and following your dreams. It helpfully inspired my current (read: vibrant) wardrobe choices. 4. The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales Written by Jon Scieszka Illustrated by Lane Smith Published in 1992 This is a fairy tale book that says it's okay to break the rules. The author takes existing fairy tales and puts a fun spin on the them. It was the first book that told kids nothing is too sacred. "The Princess and the Pea" became "The Princess and the Bowling Ball." It also may have been one of the first places where I experienced meta humor. Chicken Licken was crying that the sky was falling and wanted to contact the president, but everyone was crushed by the table of contents instead. Fairy tales made silly: perfect! As an aside, I simply must warn you not to read German fairy tales. They take fairy tales and make them bleak and violent instead of silly (like turning Christmas to Krampus). 5. Big Pumpkin Written by Erica Silverman Illustrated by S.D. Schindler Published in 1992 This is a tale of teamwork between Halloween mainstays like a witch, a mummy, a vampire, and a ghost. I remember my dad reading this book to me as a kid and doing the voice of the vampire as a Dracula impression [insert heart emoji here]. It starts with a selfish witch who wants her pumpkin and, one by one, has more and more people help to pull it off the vine (Then they head to the Winchester for a bite of Pumpkin Pie and wait for all this to blow over, or something like that). 6. The Cat in the Hat Written and Illustrated by Dr. Seuss Published in 1957 Can you imagine if you were just hanging around the house while your mother is out, and suddenly an anthropomorphic cat bursts in like he owns the place, as though you all had made plans and only you had forgotten? The beauty of Dr. Seuss is his imagination and willingness to answer that question. He builds a world, devoid of straight lines, where a cat can wear a hat and a fox can have socks and anything you can imagine goes. Spoiler Alert: this will not be the last D-Seuss book on the list. 7. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie Written by Laura Joffe Numeroff Illustrated by Felicia Bond Published in 1985 Felicia Bond, Illustrator, CC BY-SA 3.0 , via Wikimedia Commons Most children's books have a theme designed to teach you something about how to exist as a member of society. Be yourself. Work as a team. Always wear clean underwear. You know, basic Emily Post stuff. This book, along with its more than a dozen sequels, educates kids on the domino effect. It teaches you there are consequences for your actions or, at the very least, sharing is a slippery slope (wait, is that the lesson?). 8. Wacky Wednesday Written by Dr. Seuss (as Theo LeSieg) Illustrated by George Booth Published in 1974 "Wacky Wednesday" was a great book to read as a child for two reasons. The first and most obvious reason: It helps you learn how to spell Wednesday. Wednesday is unquestionably the most difficult day of the week to learn how to spell as a kid. It's tricky, like February. Secondly, it's weird. I like weird. There are progressively more things wrong with the world, but no one else can see them except the narrator (and the reader). It's like a seek and find puzzle. 9. If I Ran the Zoo Written and Illustrated by Dr. Seuss Published in 1950 If I Ran the Zoo is another book that allows the imagination to run wild. It follows a kid thinking up increasingly exotic animals to put in the zoo, instead of the existing and mundane animals in your standard zoo. The book harbors a sense of adventure and an unwillingness to settle for reality as it is, but rather shape it in your image. This is a quality we tend to lose as we grow up. We simply accept things as they are, instead of continuing to push for greatness. Let this be a push to you, dear reader: Stay Weird! Be Wild! Go Crazy! 10. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Written by Judith Viorst Illustrated by Ray Cruz Published in 1972 Sometimes, it's just not your day. While it's not the most eloquent of messages to offer a child, it is a lesson we all have to learn. At some point in our lives, we learn that we live in a heliocentric world, not a me-liocentric world. It hurts. I remember on my seventh birthday, I had to wait to do something and I was so mad. It was my birthday. If I can't get my way on my birthday, what power do I really have? I remember I was fuming and walked out of my house and just walked up and down my street, silently venting my frustration and wrapping my mind around the idea that I am one of many. It hurts when you find out the world is not your oyster. It was much tougher for Alexander, however, who wanted so badly to get away to Australia. He was forced to suffer through the most radical representation of the idiom "when it rains, it pours" that we've ever seen outside of the book of Job. 11. The Very Hungry Caterpillar Written and Illustrated by Eric Carle Published in 1969 Who doesn't love the artwork of Eric Carle? It is so iconic and an absolute pillar of childhood (a caterpillar of childhood?). It carries us through the idea of growth and development and transformation. We also get treated to simple learning elements like counting and days of the week (helpfully, we have another book walking us through the spelling of Wednesday. Doubling down on Wednesday is a must). So much of the beauty of a kids book is the fun pictures, and few are more lovely than an Eric Carle joint. Final Thoughts There is a magic to children's books. Whether you're reading them to yourself as a child, or your kin as an adult, they crack open the imagination and childlike sense of wonder. To be honest, I kinda miss it. As you can tell by the dates these books have been published, I have been out of the game for a while. I don't have a single book on my list that was written after I turned 5. That means I may very well have missed some great ones in the intervening 30 years. If I did, please let me know in the comments below. Thanks!

By CJ Tiernan There was a time when the man in charge of the United States arrived in the War Room adorned with whiskers. Mustaches and Mutton Chops used to reign supreme, attached to the face of the Leader of the Free World. Good times! Below is my ranking of the very best of the presidential facial hair. Spoiler Alert: You've not had the pleasure of watching any of the following Presidents meet the nation, as Magnavox (an old TV company, for the uninitiated) was founded more than 30 years after the tenure of the most recent prez on my list ended. 1. Chester A. Arthur - 21st President (1881-1885) Look at those wispy Mutton chops! Every time he peeks over his shoulder, he has the added benefit of brushing crumbs off his own lapel. I don't know anything about his presidency, but I'd imagine he was solid, because he assembled a sturdy salt-and-pepper A-Frame that peaks just south of his own nostrils. It's majestic! 2. Martin Van Buren - 8th President (1837-1841) More like Martin Van Buried in Sideburns. His hair sticks straight out like he's just been electrocuted, which would have been hard to pull off considering he took office 10 years before Thomas Edison was born. Said sideburns build a wall in front of his ears that may have prevented disease or required an ear horn to be able to hear his constituents. I don't know, I wasn't there. But they sure are great! 3. Rutherford B. Hayes - 19th President (1877-1881) They don't make Rutherfords like they used to. Look at this beard! As a child, his guidance counselor in his one-room schoolhouse saw his beard and probably said "you'll have to become a lumberjack. The world needs lumber!" But he overcame this obstacle and served a single term as president of the United States. A real Cinderella story. 4. William Howard Taft - 27th President (1909-1913) William Howard Taft is famous for several reasons. He still reigns as America's most corpulent Commander in Chief, but much of the other info you probably know about him is false. He didn't die in a bathtub and the 7th inning stretch was most likely created well before his attendance in the bleachers. However, that mustache is very real. He looks to have swiped the mustache straight off the face of the weightlifter guy at a carnival. Did they have mustache wax back then? Maybe he invented that. 5. James A. Garfield - 20th President (1881) This is a neat, well-manicured look. For a man named after a cartoon cat, you'd expect to see clean whiskers. With a bushy mustache and a well-maintained beard, this is a classy, black-tie presidential look. However, someone should have shouted, "Yo, Jimmy! The camera's over here!" 6. Abraham Lincoln - 16th President (1861-1865) Honest Abe sported a few different looks over the years, but he always kept that upper lip clean. I suppose he wanted to be able to stop and smell the roses uninhibited (or Log Cabin maple syrup, maybe?). He wore the stresses of leading a divided nation on his face, but covered it up nicely by laying a thick shag carpet across the jawline. 7. Theodore Roosevelt - 26th President (1901-1909) Roosevelt was a man's man. Physical and relentless. He also frequently swam naked, but he always wore this clean mustache. Dapper and crisp. Also, it looks like he's wearing a monocle in this picture. Sick! (Wait, I think it's just glasses on a chain. Weird! There aren't any of those ear things). 8. Ulysses S. Grant - 18th President (1869-1877) A clean, full beard look here. He served in the army as a general. I wish the Military would let our current generals rock some facial hair. The New York Yankees recently broke down and said "beards are okay" but even the Bronx Bombers allowed mustaches. This beard, in a word: gravitas. 9. Benjamin Harrison - 23rd President (1889-1893) When Benjamin Harrison took office, the expectations were low. As the grandson of the 9th president, William Henry Harrison, the bar could have been set pretty high. But his grandfather died a month into his presidency and spent most of that month on his death bed. Don't die! That was the presidential mantra of good ol' Benjamin (at least in my mind). It meant he couldn't risk a straight razor near the neck and he thus represented with a clean-looking full beard instead. 10. John Quincy Adams - 6th President (1825-1829) JQA looks cantankerous in this picture. If he's your teacher, you're for sure gonna do the homework. He's a sideburns man. Sorry if you can't tell, he basically died around the time they invented the camera so this is like the only existing picture of him. The sharp, bushy sideburns, combined with the receding hairline, lead to a floating mutton chops look. "Floating Mutton Chops": dibs on that as my band name. 11. Grover Cleveland - 22nd & 24th (1885-1889, 1893-1897) This thing is the definition of a cookie duster. A real walrus mustache. Grover, who may or may not be the namesake of a muppet, was the first president to serve non-consecutive terms. This concludes all I know about Grover Cleveland. Final Thoughts Zachary Taylor is pretty much the only other president who sported facial hair, so this list probably doesn't look too different from your own. Feel free to rearrange your own in the comments, though. Also, what's is your favorite facial hair style in general? Were you big on the mustache resurgence brought on by Top Gun: Maverick? You like the grizzled, mountain man look? Whatever the case, bring back the Presidential Facial Hair!

By CJ Tiernan Whether employed as a dipping sauce, or slathered atop a dish like special shampoo on a lice kid, the condiment is an essential piece on the cuisine game board. It can supplement, enhance, or straight-up drown-out the flavor of the food in question. I’m a big condiment guy. I’ve, uh, been known to apply liberally. I’m the guy at a restaurant who orders an extra side of sauce BEFORE the meal even comes because, c’mon son, one little container? Who do you think I am? Thumbelina? Anyway, below is My Top 11 List of greatest condiments. Please enjoy liberally. (Note: no spices were considered in the making of this list, just the saucy types). 1. Barbecue Sauce You know what the key ingredient to a good barbecue sauce is, right? Sugar! I’ll ride this sugar train all the way to funky town. Barbecue sauce often rides shotgun to a BBQ meal, which are the best of meals! Smoked meats, grilled meats, meats on a stick, any meats go great with barbecue sauce. I’ve never tried it as a salad dressing, but I’ve also never said no to it as a salad dressing so, who knows? It’s great for a whole bunch of stuff and as long as the manufacturers don’t go overboard with the Worcestershire sauce, we’re good. 2. Salsa There is an entire cuisine that enters battle with Salsa as it’s champion condiment. Mexican cuisine is the gato’s pajamas! Chips, burritos, tacos, huevos rancheros, it’s all wonderful with salsa on top. I’m a big salsa on my eggs guy and salsa has been keeping my chips wet for decades (my apologies if that sounds dirtier than I intended). 3. Ketchup Me, my new ketchup, and a Ninja Turtle, Christmas '93 Fun fact: for Christmas one year I was gifted a bottle of ketchup by my paternal grandma. Actually, it was a two-pack! The word is out: your boy loves ketchup. Heinz dominates the market for good reason. It’s top notch, A+ stuff. Oh, and if you, like me, put ketchup on your hot dog: that’s great! Good for you. It’s your food, you deserve to have it served however you like (if you like – T.I.). All the hot dog elites that try and tell people how they should consume their own food can kick rocks (and surrender their hot dogs to me). 4. Maple Syrup Breakfast condiment time! I personally don’t really mind if it’s real maple syrup or fake maple syrup, they’re all fantastic on pancakes (and waffles, and French toast, and oatmeal, and when they accidentally bump up against your bacon and eggs). I tend to swim in the Log Cabin waters when the option is available, but they’re all fantastic. I do, however, firmly stand on the pronunciation as SIR-up, not SEAR-up (but again, do you. It’s your food). 5. Buffalo Sauce I like a little kick in the pants every now and again whilst dinning; something that says both “you’re alive” and “you’re mortal.” It’s a delicate balance that Buffalo sauce strikes with aplomb. Do you know the difference between Buffalo sauce and hot sauce? They add melted butter to the hot sauce to make it Buffalo. That’s it. Living proof that adding melted butter to anything improves the product (I’m not legally responsible for whatever you do with the previous sentence). 6. Bleu Cheese Dressing Bleu cheese is an acquired taste. It is, in fact, a frequent P.I.C. (partner in crime) with Buffalo sauce. I’ve come to quite enjoy a little tang from cheese crumbles and, when you can turn them into a pourable potable, well now you’ve struck gold. I’m curious how Parisians got a stranglehold on salad dressing monikers as they got to both choose the spelling of “Blue” and make their own style: French. 7. Caesar Dressing This is my go-to salad dressing. I can’t tell you how many times I had it before I found out that a common ingredient in Caesar Dressing is anchovies. Anchovies? The little fish that the Ninja Turtles put on their pizza? Gross! But I love the dressing. So, do I love anchovies? I don’t know about that. I hope to never find out, to be honest, because they look so off-putting. But I’m torn because, would Michaelangelo and them boys ever steer me astray? 8. Pesto Yes, it’s a pasta sauce. It’s also a superb sandwich spread. It’s versatile. It’s the utility infielder of the condiment world. If you’re allergic to pine nuts, it may negatively affect your ability to stay ambulatory, but don’t misunderstand me: it’s worth it. (I’m not legally responsible for whatever you do with the previous sentence). 9. Aioli Aioli sounds classy, doesn’t it? Like, the second you tell someone you’re eating a sandwich with aioli, their subconscious gives you several additional respect points like Tony Reali on Around the Horn. Garlic and olive oil: the best duo since Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart. 10. Mayo Ah, mayo: the next-door neighbor of aioli. Mayo is to Walmart what Aioli is to Whole Foods. What I don’t understand is how it can be made from eggs and be shelf stable for a whole year. What is going on there? Science! Magical, mysterious (safe to consume) science! 11. Hot Sauce There are only 3 ingredients in Hot Sauce (the basic level, anyway): chili peppers, vinegar, and salt. That’s why it can sit on the table of your local breakfast establishment, untouched for years, until you stroll in and dribble it on your sunny sides. Two of the three ingredients are preservatives. It can hold down the fort in your pantry indefinitely, like honey (Wait! Crap! Is honey a condiment?). Final Thoughts My mouth is watering just thinking about all these condiment options. I wonder what it would taste like if you mixed all 11 together, like with sodas at your local Taco Bell. Probably awesome! In fact, I think it's probably how you create Awesome Sauce! Anyway, this is the list of my Top 11 favorite condiments I’ve ever tried. If you really like one that you think I left off the list, let me know in the comments. Thanks! Have a great day!

By CJ Tiernan Soup or salad? Like being thrust into a game of Mortal Kombat, forced to choose your fighter, it is the question often foisted upon you at the outset of an evening out. I’m not a big warm liquids guy, so unless there is chili in the offing, I will usually opt for a salad. The problem is, the word salad covers a large swath of culinary options. There is a level of inconstancy. Sometimes the dressing is mixed in for you, other times you’re required to stir your own salad. So, I will simply be ranking the best version I’ve ever enjoyed of each salad type and allow said salad to stand for its brethren (Salads: choose your champion!) Here is my list of the Top 11 Salads I’ve ever tasted. Enjoy! 1. Caesar Salad Banej, CC BY-SA 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons This is the perfect salad choice at a restaurant. It’s simple, just some parmesan and Caesar dressing (don’t ask what’s in the Caesar dressing. Just accept that it’s delicious and keep on walking) mixed in with some romaine lettuce. Tossed to perfection and served on a chilled plate, a few bites of this and your boy is good. It is the rare time wherein I think, “do I like vegetables? Look at me go.” Then, of course, I snap pea back to reality and artichoke those thoughts down. 2. Caprese Salad The beauty of the caprese salad is that no one party is in complete control. You have tomato, mozzarella, and basil dancing in perfect concert while a gentle drizzle of balsamic glaze cascades from the heavens. Is this heaven? No, it’s an appetizer (or a side dish). 3. Wedge Salad My weapon of choice in this battle is the bleu cheese wedge. You take an entire head of lettuce, quarter it like your torturing William Wallace, and then sprinkle on some tomatoes, bleu cheese crumbles, bacon bits, bleu cheese dressing and our dear old friend the balsamic glaze. It’s an odd choice, because you kinda have a giant chunk that you then have to slice like a steak, but man alive does it work. At its full height, it is the tallest of the salads (or maybe second behind #5 on my list). 4. Buffalo Chicken Salad This is the second consecutive salad on my list to prominently feature bleu cheese. You know why? Because I love bleu cheese, that’s why. Double up on both the crumbles and the sauce and you are ready to par-tay. Why is the cheese blue? How dare you ask questions you don’t want the answers to. You don’t ask what makes cheese blue and you don’t ask what’s in Caesar dressing. Show some respect. 5. Taco Salad The taco salad is fun. It says, “I see that you’ve provided a bowl but, no thanks: I brought my own.” Housing the taco salad inside of a crispy, edible shell was a great invention. Soup has the bread bowl, ice cream has a waffle cone, and now taco salad has the taco bowl. What we will make next? Is there a way to make an edible bowl for cereal? Someday, my friend. Someday. 6. Egg Salad Oh ho! A curveball! Egg salad is rarely served on its own, often operating as a cracker topping or delivered via sandwich. If you like deviled eggs, you will likely enjoy the egg salad. It is largely hard-boiled eggs, mayo, and then flavors. Lots of wonderful flavors (plus mustard lurking in the shadows. Don't look!). 7. Potato Salad The potato salad is the quintessential summer side dish. I have trouble picturing this side dish served without a side of sunshine. When it comes to the ingredients, the higher the ratio of eggs to mustard in your potato salad, the better it will be. I basically, pretty much guarantee that for sure. 8. Macaroni Salad Macaroni salad: the next-door neighbor of the potato salad and another wonderful summer side. It’s not mac and cheese, but it contains those fun little elbow macaroni noodles (only it’s served chilled). This salad may be higher on the list if it didn’t always come with little celery bits chopped up in it. What’s with the celery? It had its day in the sun when we were in preschool and made ants on a log. It’s over now. Move on. There's no need for celery to exist anywhere ever again. 9. Cobb Salad I know what you’re thinking: “Man, this guy loves eggs.” First of all, you’re absolutely right. They’re wonderful. Secondly, that’s only, like, a piece of what’s going on in the cobb salad. You’ve got tomatoes, bacon, bleu cheese, avocado, it’s basically a kitchen-sink salad. Fun fact: there’s a type of salad called the “garbage salad” that does indeed throw just about every available ingredient in there. Like, to the point you can barely find the lettuce. It could be good, but I can’t bring myself to try anything with “garbage” in the name. I was barely able to watch the Tony Danza movie “The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon" for the same reason. Unlike Schlotzsky’s Deli, it’s a funny name, but an unserious sandwich. 10. Fruit Salad You can view my Top 11 Fruits for a more complete breakdown on the subject but, to sum it up: berries good, melons bad. If I could guarantee that only the good fruits came in a fruit salad, well then that’s an entirely different shade of horse. Alas, when a fruit salad is issued, it is almost universally contaminated with watermelon, cantaloupe, and/or honeydew. But, when it’s not, it is pretty delicious. 11. Ambrosia Salad Ambrosia: In Greek mythology it was the nectar of the gods, imbued with the power of immortality and youth. In the kitchen, it’s found in ‘50s and ‘60s editions of the Betty Crocker cookbooks, under the fruit salad tab (so... same same). It’s kind of a dessert dish with whipped cream, marshmallows, pineapple, mandarin oranges, and maybe some nuts or coconut. It is (or was) a potluck staple. Its mere appearance now feels dated, but it’s pretty good if you’re in the mood for some home cookin’. Final Thoughts After releasing my list to the masses, I am starting to question whether salad is actually healthy. I’m worried many of these entries are secretly harboring the sneaky-pickles equivalent of calories (sneaky pickles are when a restaurant puts pickles atop the bottom bun of a burger or sandwich and you don’t discover their presence visually, but rather orally. Yuck!). Perhaps that’s why I like so many salads that I was able to put together a list of at least 11. If I missed any of your favorites, please let me know in the comments section. I’m always willing to listen to suggestions for something new to try (as long as it doesn’t have pickles... or mustard... or melons... or...). Thanks! Have a great day!

By CJ Tiernan A mockumentary is a film that is crafted like a documentary in almost every way. It is telling a story with talking heads, wherein the characters are interviewed. They may break the fourth wall and the camera work will often utilize techniques like “shaky cam” that mimic a handheld, improvisational style. The difference is, the story and the characters (almost always) aren’t real. It is a small, but important difference, allowing what is otherwise an often stodgy and upper-crust entertainment option to be a vehicle for comedy or horror. These tend to be the two exclusive directions this format has taken. Because you are boxing yourselves in with the style, the writing can be a very important element in mockumentaries. However, (and I apologize for the immediate contradiction) it’s also a format conducive to improv. You get a big ensemble cast together and just let them riff. It can craft comedy magic. Below is the list of my Top 11 Favorite Mockumentary movies I’ve ever seen. 1. This Is Spinal Tap (1984) This movie had to be number one. Not only is This Is Spinal Tap the reason that my lists go to eleven, it is also the foundation of the genre. “Spinal Tap” is widely considered to be the first feature-length film to use the documentary format for a work of fiction, or at leats the first that gained enough notoriety to actually necessitate the name of the genre. It is endlessly quotable and laid the groundwork for an impressive run of movies directed by Christopher Guest (although this movie was directed by Rob Reiner). If you’ve never seen it: 1) you should and 2) it has nothing to do with the medical procedure (although the drummers of the band tend to have a tough time, medically). 2a. District 9 (2009) I consider this movie to be a mockumentary, but it does have a slight departure from the style after the first half. I have therefore added a 12th movie to the list. What can I say except, “you’re welcome.” Aliens and body horror paired with the documentary style is the dream. Sprinkle in some South African accent like Salt Bae, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a great movie. 2b. Waiting for Guffman (1996) This is a comedy that is so wholesome. It takes place in the fictional town of Blaine, Missouri and features an eccentric cast of small-town folks who love their town and want to show it off. The town harbors pride in two separate (arguable) claims to fame: they are both the stool capital of the world and the first place where aliens landed. They put on a play for the celebration of the sesquicentennial (a word that just missed my Top 11 Words List) and, well, reread the title for whomst they’re hoping attends. The characters and the play within the movie make the whole darn thing. 3. Late Night with the Devil (2023) This is one of the greatest horror movies I’ve ever seen. When you place the word “Devil” in the title, you are warning audiences that this is not a comedy. It would be a delightful misdirect though, placing words like “night” and “dead” and “evil” in a title and then the film is, like, a 19th century costume drama or something. But, that’s not what we’re doing here. This is a found-footage/mockumentary hybrid that depicts an episode of a late-night talk show at the tail end of the ‘70s. Things go awry in a wonderful way (unless, you know, you’re a character in that show, in which case...). 4. Zelig (1983) This is probably one of the movies you are least likely to know or recognize on this list. It is the oldest on the list (which doesn’t help) and was created by a guy who was kinda super cancelled (Woody Allen). However, the movie is fantastically entertaining and perfectly understated. The main character, Leonard Zelig, has chameleon capabilities. He can physically transform himself into anyone and even adopt their mannerisms. It’s weird and wild and wonderful. It also used the Forrest Gump insert-a-character-into-archival-footage method a decade before Tom Hanks showed LBJ his butt. 5. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) User Skssoft on de.wikipedia; Michael Bulcik / SKS Soft GmbH Düsseldorf, CC BY 2.5 , via Wikimedia Commons This movie is NOT bad. Sacha Baron Cohen goes so totally and completely all in on his characters that you can’t help but laugh. If you think the title is long, wait until you get to the scene where the two guys are running around naked. Kazakhstan may not be thrilled at the message this movie sent about their country but, to play devil’s advocate: I’d never heard of this country until this movie came out. 6. Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2021) Marcel is an anthropomorphic one-inch-tall shell animated in stop-motion glory and voiced by Jenny Slate. He lives with his grandma and loves watching Lesley Stahl on 60 minutes. It is a sweet story crafted in a unique way, blending live-action with stop-motion animation. I have difficulty in describing it because it’s so singular, but I can’t recommend it highly enough. I’m anxiously awaiting the possible spin-off opportunities such as Miguel the Bell with Boots On and Adele the Single-Cell in Gel. 7. Theater Camp (2023) Theater people can be… a lot. You know how in Nuclear Fission, the process of splitting an unstable atom can create projectiles that will strike and split additional atoms, creating a chain reaction? That’s kinda what happens when theater people get around other theater people. The energy is self-perpetuating. As they all feed off each other, they create a level of verve that doesn’t occur naturally in the wild. They’re both entertaining and akin to be around the use of cocaine without partaking yourself. Anyway, the movie is fantastic and features Jimmy Tatro, who was also in American Vandal, which was one of the greatest TV Show mocumentaries ever. 8. Best in Show (2000) This is perhaps the best known of the Christopher Guest movies. His other mocumentaries include Waiting for Guffman, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration, and Mascots. He is, pretty unquestionably, the king of the mockumentary (which fits, because he’s also a member of British royalty). Some of the other actors that frequently show up in his movies include (but are certainly not limited to) Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Parker Posey, Jennifer Coolidge, Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara, Fred Williard, Jane Lynch, and the lyrically named Bob Balaban. The comedy these geniuses squeeze out of mundanity knows no bounds. Fun fact: the movie had a real-world impact on the dog show tail trail, as the American Kennel Club first held their national championship in 2001 and the National Dog Show followed suit in 2002 (that’s the one aired every year on NBC after the Macy’s parade, causing battles for the remote nationwide between football fans and dog people). 9. Surf's Up (2007) An animated mockumentary: that alone is a delicious twist but we’re not done yet. No, we’re also following anthropomorphic animals. Shia LaBeouf (of Even Stevens fame) plays the voice of a young penguin who wants to be a pro-surfer, and manages to join a competition. The movie also features the talents of Diedrich Bader and James Woods (who both have all-time voices), plus stars like Zooey Deschanel and Jeff Bridges. And, to remind that you that Napoleon Dynamite had just come out a few years prior, Jon Heder is among the voice cast. My favorite part is when they cut to the talking head of a sea urchin that has been stepped on (he has opinions on the experience). 10. I, Tonya (2017) One of the more under-dissected elements of a documentary is the fact that you are relying on the human mind. The thing about memories is that they’re filtered through the brain, the same brain that also harbors biases and opinions. It is therefore an accepted reality that the human memory is unreliable. That is played with in I, Tonya. We are getting a one-sided account of history, an incident as told by the villain. It is a delightful twist on the mockumentary to tell a true story with real characters, but in a comedic and exaggerated manner. Margot Robbie is always great, but this movie will be remembered for Allison Janney (who won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar) and Paul Walter Hauser (who burst on the scene and stole the show in this movie and most of his others since). 11. Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) The Minnesota Beauty Pageant: the comedy goldmine we didn’t know existed until this movie. Featuring up and comers like Kirsten Dunst, Brittany Murphy, and Denise Richards mixed with legends like Allison Janney (for the second movie in a row!), Kristie Alley, and Ellen Barkin, this movie is a glorious dark comedy. What makes it dark, you ask? An outbreak of beauty contestants being eliminated from contention via bizarre, sometimes fatal, accidents. What makes it comedy? Everything from the Minnesota accents to the curious cast of characters. Final Thoughts The Office was probably the most ubiquitous use of the mockumentary in pop culture history. It brought a cast of unusual characters to the masses in a unique way. Since that show exploded, many have attempted the same method, to mostly positive results. I love the format for so many reasons. One of my favorites is that the information is delivered so earnestly and in such a classic documentary format that, for the uninitiated, you may not even realize what you’re watching is fiction. That is apparently a real thing that happened to some when This Is Spinal Tap was released. It was mistaken for a real documentary about a band and met with mixed reviews. I will always leap at the opportunity to take in a movie in this genre and anxiously await the next one. Below is a list of some of the mocumentaries that just missed my Top 11 List. Please let me know in the comments if I missed any of your favorites. Thanks! Have a great day! What We Do in the Shadows (2014) Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) A Mighty Wind (2003) Incident at Loch Ness (2004) Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2020) Mascots (2016) For Your Consideration (2006)

By CJ Tiernan Remember School? That was crazy, huh? We basically worked a 9-5 (well, 7-3) everyday but, unlike most jobs where you learn what you’re supposed to do and it gets easier, we had to keep learning new stuff. Like, all the time. A constant barrage of new stuff. It was tough! Throw in cliques, bullies, and hormones and you’re talking about running through a non-stop, ruthless gauntlet at an impressionable age. However, now that it’s in the past, there is a wistful longing for those days. It didn’t feel like it then, but it was unmistakably a simpler time. We look on those days through rose-colored glasses and ignore (some of) the drama that felt so important in the moment. That’s perspective, and it’s what allows us to watch someone else go through school without breaking out in hives or gnashing our teeth or punching a hole through the flatscreen. As Mel Brooks once said, “tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” When the drama hits someone else: it’s funny. When it hits us: the sky is falling. Thus, watching people navigate school can actually be entertaining, instead of just reminding us of all the scholastic atrocities in the days of yore. Below is my list of my Top 11 Favorite TV Shows that are Set Primarily in Schools (Elementary all the way through College). Enjoy! 1. Community When I was in college, I was party to a few group projects wherein we had to meet up outside of class and execute an assignment. The way we did it was almost always an email-based, divide-and-conquer strategy that involved very little in the way of working together. The fact that such a diverse group of human beings met up for Spanish class and stayed glued together as long as they did is beautiful. As a bonus, this is one of the funniest shows of all time (and they have a Luis Guzmán statue!). 2. Stranger Things This show is probably the one on this list that takes place inside of an actual school the least. In defense of the students, they were kinda preventing world annihilation… repeatedly. They don’t give grades for that (saving the world is very much a pass-fail situation). Betwixt the ‘80s vibe and the endless mystery, this show is one of the greatest shows to ever take place (period, not just in a school). If not for the Hoosiers National Championship out of absolutely nowhere, it would be the greatest thing to ever happen in Indiana. 3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer What can we say about Buffy? She saved the world a lot. We watched her (and her misfit army the Scoobies) navigate both High School and College in the mystical land of Sunnydale, California. When you go through High School, you’re gonna face a few demons. When your school is parked atop a Hellmouth, you’re gonna face more than your fair share. We should all, like the majority of the class of ’99, stand and clap for the great service that Buffy performed. Thank you for your service, Buffy: Slayer of the Vampires. 4. American Vandal A Mockumentary TV show! Courtesy of the post-Office boom (the show The Office, not the government snail-mail institution know as the Post Office), a mockumentary is not a rare thing in and of itself. However, unlike most mockumentaries, this one is satirizing true-crime documentaries. It plays it very straight, to the degree that it may not be properly identified as a mockumentary by the uninitiated. In season 1 (the superior of the 2 seasons) there is one simple question at play: who drew the dicks? Jimmy Tatro is a stand-out performer, but everyone nails the assignment. 5. Suburgatory Jeremy Sisto has one of the deepest voices in history. I know that isn’t most people’s takeaway from this show, but it is just so deep. He’s like James Earl Jones out here. In the show, he plays a single father to Jane Levy (of Zoey’s Extraordinary Family and the Evil Dead remake fame) who bemoans giving up the city life in New York for the ‘burbs. There is culture clash and High School drama, but the supporting characters steal the show. Alan Tudyk, Cheryl Hines, Allie Grant, and Parker Young all make this show a can’t miss (and after years of no way to stream it, it recently dropped on Netflix so – No excuses! Play like a champion!). 6. Abbott Elementary ABC, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons The rare show that takes place in an elementary school. I would think making a TV show in an elementary school would be really tricky because you need a lot of young kids who, in this case, are largely extras. Just thinking out loud here. Anyway, this beautiful brainchild of Quinta Brunson is absolute comedy gold. I imagine, as was the case for me with Superstore when I worked retail, this show really hits home for the teachers out there. There is a laid-bare honesty with the behavior of the teachers. I don’t get the principal, though. All of the characters seem grounded-ish and realistic-ish, and then Janelle James as Ava just goes hog wild every episode with very little control over the school or her own budget. I don’t know. I’ve never been to a school in Philly. Maybe that’s just how it is when you're from West Philadelphia, born and raised. 7. Glee This show has a level of drama that I would normally reject out of hand. Instead, I’ve seen every episode multiple times. Why, you ask? Because of the music! They churn out banger after banger in this one and even made a few up themselves (Loser Like Me is the best original song). Plus, some of the characters are so over-the-top that they’re entertaining. There is a distressing track record of young fatalities among the main cast, as though the movies Poltergeist or The Conqueror passed on their curses. It is a melancholy rewatch but, if you haven’t seen it, ignore all this and go watch it right now! 8. A.P. Bio Glenn Howerton (Dennis Reynolds in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) plays a High School teacher who doesn’t want to be there and believes that he’s too good for the place. He left behind his Harvard professorship in disgrace and is relegated to Toledo, OH (of hometown to Katie Holmes fame). He is a largely useless teacher to overly eager students. This show is so criminally underrated (or at least under watched). The ensemble of kids in this show (the actors are all 18+, but they’re playing High Schoolers so we’re going with the term "kids") is second to none. They are incredible! But if that doesn’t do it for you, Patton Oswalt plays a toothless principal and Paula Pell steals every single scene as his try-hard secretary. 9. Boy Meets World This show aired from 1993 to 2000. During that time, I went from 5 years old to graduating 6th grade. You throw in the countless reruns and I grew up with Boy Meets World. It was part entertainment and part road map. Shawn Hunter was the coolest dude on the planet to me as a kid (and to be fair, the actor that played him, Rider Strong, has just about the coolest name on the planet - see my Top 11 Celebrity Names List for confirmation). I adopted the center-part hairstyle he rocked after I graduated from a buzzcut, in an effort to channel his essence. I don’t think it translated (I didn’t have the brooding, bad-boy vibe to go with it). Nevertheless, the show was impactful to an entire generation of little humans and the advice of Mr. Feeny continues to rattle around in our now-fully-formed brains to this day. The best one? “Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good.” 10. Veronica Mars Like the movie Brick (which the premiere of this show preceded by a year), Veronica Mars is a High School neo-noir. It is a fun idea to place Chinatown in the hands of a 17-year-old. She isn’t just a kid solving the case of “The Dog Who Ate the Homework” either. She’s working on murders and car crashes and stuff. It is fraught with heavy-tension, but they do have a delightful mix of characters to inject some level of humor. I love me some Wallace (played by Percy Daggs III, another cool name). Plus, who doesn’t root for a dude named Piz? Kristen Bell, as is always the case, is excellent as the title character. 11. The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius What do M*A*S*H and Jimmy Neutron have in common? Go ahead, I'll wait. It’s a pretty standard question and the answer is probably a whole bunch of stuff. They are, after all, both overloaded with wacky characters. However, the one I’m thinking of is they’re both TV shows that are based on a movie. From the second that I was introduced to this universe (and Sheen) in the movie, I was hooked. Throw in a robot dog, an asthmatic redhead sidekick, a beverage called Purple Flurp, and a father figure with a one-track mind for pie (well, two tracks. He also loves ducks) and you’ve just created a winning formula. He’s nerdy enough to be relentlessly bullied, but smart enough to solve nuclear fusion. You gotta appreciate that dichotomy in this economy. Final Thoughts School is hard, but it’s also a collective experience. There are seemingly a hundred things we all did in school. We hung out with friends, learned in the classroom, engaged with bullies, tried taking notes but got caught up daydreaming about our crush, rode the bus, and gave up on everything and decided to live a life on the road because we had so much homework (only be to be talked off the ledge by a loved one). It is part of growing up. It is fun now to look back on those times with the benefit of hindsight and perspective and appreciate the good and gloss over the bad. TV shows like these help us do that. They help foster that sense of universality. They play on our worst fears (back then and now) and do so with both humor and tenderness. They allow us to feel seen. I’m sure that you have certain shows that you’ve connected with for one reason or another because of your experiences. If those shows didn’t make my list, please let me know in the comments. I left a few that just missed my list down below. Thanks! Have a great day! How to Get Away with Murder Numbers Hey Arnold! Big Wolf on Campus Saved by the Bell Freaks and Geeks

By CJ Tiernan You ever stop and look around the English-language landscape? It’s wild out there. We have words that sound the same but are spelled differently. We have words that mean multiple, palpably different things. We, the denizens of the melting pot, have words inherited from seemingly every other language under the stars. It can be a lot to handle. Worse yet, we often ignore the available words with imbued pizazz and lean on the rudimentary and familiar words (unforgivable!). The following is a list of what I believe to be the best and brightest our humble little language has to offer. Here are my Top 11 Words I’ve ever seen or heard. Enjoy 1. Boondoggle Definition: noun - A wasteful, worthless project; work of little to no value done with the intent to keep or look busy I’m sure that all members of the workforce, past and present, can sympathize with this sensation. While nearly every action in a corporate hierarchy is undertaken with intent, the layers of bureaucracy often muddy the waters to the point wherein one is left to question the meaning of the effort. Ever played a game of telephone? It’s famously not the best form of communication and leads to mistakes. 2. Ragamuffin Definition: noun - A ragged, disreputable person; a child in ragged, ill-fitting clothes Now that I know the definition of this word, I look back on my youth and try to decide if my mother’s frequent use when regarding her own progeny was a slight on me/us or herself. When I hear the word, I picture Cosette from Les Miz (or, perhaps, an unappetizing breakfast carb). 3. Nincompoop Definition: noun – A fool; simpleton; idiot This is a delicious insult. Whether used to refer to some third party, or hurled directly in a persons face, nincompoop is a potent barb. Try partnering it with a couple indelicate adjectives for a real to-the-hilt attack, you loquacious, spasmodic nincompoop. Plus, it’s got poop in it. Hilarious! 4. Gobbledygook Definition: noun – meaningless or unintelligible speech or writing; jargon used to obscure meaning If I were a dessert-loving man and was served a plate of gobbledygook, I’d believe I was in a for a real treat. It sounds delicious. However, when you pop on over to the local mechanic for an oil change and he (or she – equal rights and stuff) starts serving you a plate of gobbledygook, run to the hills (or ask to have it explained in a more digestible manner). Fun fact: Gobbledygook is the first language everyone learns. Go ahead, listen closely to the next baby you meet and see if they’re spitting up anything coherent. 5. Thingamajig Definition: noun – contraption; thingy Thingamajig is great because the word is a noun, but it is also essentially describing a noun. It is about as vague as a word gets. In fact, it is almost exclusively used to refer to an object in lieu of its actual name, either because the name is unknown or has been temporarily forgotten. It is not yet a dance but, for you creative types out there, I think there’s potential. 6. Hullabaloo Definition: noun – Uproar; big to-do 🎶A hullabaloo is a big to-do, for him and her and me and you. Travel to your local zoo and you will hear a Cockatoo. Move on through and you will view, a bouncing baby kangaroo. Also see a camel spew but you should stay 'hind the bamboo. Hear our crew coo and moo, up and down the avenue. But you may be left sad and blue, if you don’t wear an open shoe. ‘Cause over in the new bayou, Shamu waits to splash you. 🎶 Anyway, hullabaloo means loud noise. I hope you enjoyed my lyrical poem. 7. Kerfuffle Definition: noun – Commotion; fuss Can you imagine if kerfuffle was adopted as a legal term? Say you overhear a police officer use their radio to state that, instead of “disorderly conduct,” there’s a “minor kerfuffle.” You can’t take the word kerfuffle seriously; you just want to wrap your arms around it and hold it tight. It may just be the cutest word for violence ever. 8. Whippersnapper Definition: noun - Brat; child Is this what the world was missing? Children are already famously powerless. They have no voting rights, they can’t drive, they don’t even get to pick their own names. Now we’ve gone and crafted a way to refer to a child as a pejorative? Talk about kicking ‘em when they’re down (ha ha, because they’re short). What’s next? We start calling our kitchen accessories lazy (sorry, Susan). 9. Cattywampus Definition: adjective – Askew; awry; positioned diagonally Askew is a great word. Cattywampus is better. Whether trudging through the mundanity of straightening a photo frame on the wall or engaging in the high-stakes art of Jenga, there’s no wrong time to take this one out of the bag. 10. Brouhaha Definition: noun – Commotion; uproar; excitement over a minor or ridiculous cause Macbeth famously uttered the phrase, “sound and fury, signifying nothing.” That’s kind of what a brouhaha is. To refer to commotion as a brouhaha, is to belittle its very existence. But it does end in laughter (ha ha), and can’t the world always use a little more laughter? 11. Skedaddle Definition: verb – Flee; run away hurriedly If you’re trying to picture skedaddling in action, just imagine the many times that Shaggy and Scooby-Doo encounter a monster and turn the other way to run. The legs spinning in place, the fun, percussive sound effects, everything they’re doing screams skedaddle (even the screams). Final Thoughts I can’t even imagine how many words there are in the English language. It is often disheartening to see how frequently people refuse to effort to stray from the same boring, normal, everyday vernacular everyone else is using, when we have so many options out there. I’m not a great speller, but I don’t let that intimidate me or dissuade me from continuing to venture into the lexiconic waters. As the great Mark Twain once said, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is a really large matter – it’s the difference between the lightning bug and lightning.” As always, I will leave some words that just missed my list down below. Thanks! Have a great day! Me, dressed as Mark Twain in 6th Grade, March 2000 Zhuzh Ballyhoo Lackadaisical Shenanigans Flabbergasted Sesquicentennial Whisterneffet Pumpernickel Malarkey Codswallop Hootenanny Bamboozled Effervescent Discombobulated Whatchamacallit Delicatessen

By CJ Tiernan In the immortal words of John Mulaney, “We’re all on board. We all love mom.” Our moms are almost universally meaningful to us. Caring, nurturing, steeped in unconditional love, the mother is the quintessential symbol of familial love. All that said, it’s fun to watch a show that plays on the trope by showing the other side of motherhood, or taking love and adoration too far. Below is a list of my Top 11 Favorite TV Show Moms I’ve ever seen and, as you will notice quickly, the rankings reflect their entertainment value and do not necessarily require them to excel in the role. 1. Lucille Bluth - Jessica Walter - Arrested Development Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America, CC BY-SA 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons The matriarch of the Bluth family is one of my favorite characters. She is consistently a terrible mother, sowing seeds of jealousy between her children and utilizing affection transactionally. But she’s there. She continues to be a part of things, while her husband is in prison for embezzlement and fraud (and maybe some light treason). Matched against imprisonment, adopting a child performatively doesn’t seem as bad. 2. Jessica Huang - Constance Wu - Fresh Off the Boat If you haven’t seen Fresh Off the Boat, do yourself a favor and get on it. There are so many reasons to watch. It takes place during the ‘90s (even though it made in the 2010s) and has the wardrobe to boot. Randall Park plays the patriarch and he’s hilarious in everything. The kids are wonderfully cast and fantastically precocious. But Constance Wu, as a no-nonsense head-of-the-household mother, is the best. If you combined Julie Andrews with Marie Kondo you’d get a rough approximation of Jessica Huang. 3. Moira Rose - Catherine O'Hara - Schitt's Creek The late Catherine O’Hara had a knack for being remarkable, regardless of the size of her role. In fact, she often played the straight “man” while others fired off the crazy all around her. Not here. Nope, she really sank her teeth into this one. She formulated a one-of-a-kind accent of manufactured elegance and sophistication and bathed in false opulence all the way through the series. She’s like the embodiment of that optical illusion the has the old lady looking forward and the young lady looking away. 4. Maya DiMeo - Minnie Driver - Speechless I feel like after Good Will Hunting and Grosse Point Blank in the late ‘90s, I didn’t see Minnie Driver for a long time. Where did she go? I don’t know, but I sure was delighted when she popped up in this family comedy back in 2016. The cast that rounds out the DiMeo family is brilliant all around. Driver plays a Type-A personality mother of a child with cerebral palsy and operates as his advocate constantly (along with Kenneth, the aide). She also uses her real British accent, which I didn’t even know existed. Bloody delightful! 5. Beverly Goldberg - Wendi McLendon-Covey - The Goldbergs Beverly Goldberg is a “smother” (a smothering mother). She is a lot to handle. While her sweaters are eye-catching, her parenting is louder. She has catchphrases like, “I have failed as a mother” and “how could you do this to me.” She cares about her children so much, but is also a big parenting me-monster that makes situations about her. Highly entertaining. Plus, Patton Oswalt does the voice-over during the episodes so what’s not to love, Schmoo? 6. Linda Belcher - John Roberts - Bob's Burgers You know that phrase “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?” If that were a real thing that happened and not just an axiom uttered to the downtrodden, Linda Belcher would have made the most lemonade in history. She would have stores of it in her basement like my High School history teacher did with pennies. Linda is on board with any scheme and takes every hit and keeps on coming. She is creative, funny, sympathetic, unyielding, and voiced by a guy named John. 7. Jane Villanueva - Gina Rodriguez - Jane the Virgin First of all: watch Jane the Virgin. It’s one of the greatest shows of all time (It’s currently positioned at #21 on my all-time list). It is part rom-com, part telenovela, with a sprinkle of fantasy fairy dust on top. Jane became a mom accidentally and the whirlwind journey begins there. The story has many twists and turns (as you’d expect from a soap opera-esque show) and a lot of heart (plus, perhaps the best narration in the history of TV). 8. Claire Dunphy - Julie Bowen - Modern Family This is one of the preeminent ensemble casts ever assembled. There are heavy hitters all over the map and yet, Julie Bowen stands out. She rules the Dunphy roost with a cool poise. While the Dunphys have three kids, Claire is in charge of four because of the man-child presence of her husband, Phil. Realtor Magician (Phil’s social standing) sounds like a class you could choose in Dungeon Crawler Carl. 9. Kitty Forman - Debra Jo Rupp - That '70s Show Be honest: was the first thing you thought of when you saw the name Kitty her high pitched voice? Her laugh? The constant presence of her alcohol options? She is an iconic character in a show where her kids have a gruff, war veteran father and constantly mess around anyway. She is caught in the middle of two very different generations and responds with the 2 Ls: laughter and liquor. 10. Kristina Braverman - Monica Potter - Parenthood Much like Maya DiMeo, Kristina Braverman spends a lot of her time advocating for her son with special needs. She is constantly seen trying to connect with Max and to fight for him. The show Parenthood is fantastic. If you haven’t seen it, think A Million Little Things and This is Us vibes. It’s got a powerhouse cast, and follows a family through three generations (like Modern Family, but more dramatic). If I was re-ranking this list on ability to be a good mother, she may be moved to number one. 11. Dr. Rainbow Johnson - Tracee Ellis Ross - Black-ish In 2018, my mom got her doctorate. I can (and sometimes do) now call her Dr. Mom. Rainbow (Bow, as she’s known in the show) is a medical doctor with five kids. She has her hands full and yet she manages it all (and man-child Anthony Anderson), seemingly with ease. She can be passionate, serious, professional, and fun. She is a remarkable character with hippies for parents (hence the name Rainbow). Tracee Ellis Ross may be the daughter of Diana Ross, but you can stuff your nepotism claims in a sack, mister, she crushes this role. Final Thoughts Moms on TV are, at times, exactly what we want and need in our lives in low moments and at other times we’re completely thankful they’re not real because: yikes! As you may have noticed, the list I assembled doesn’t have any shows that began airing prior to the release of the first Backstreet Boys album. There’s no June Cleaver, no Wilma Flintstone, no Clair Huxtable. I only included the shows that I’ve seen, not those that are largely before my time (where I’ve only ever seen a few episodes of each). Please feel free to chastise me in the comments for my botched list. Like a mother, I hope you’ll love me even if I have failed. Thanks! Have a great day!