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By CJ Tiernan You know that feeling you get when you’re watching a movie and your empathy senses are triggered to such a degree that you feel a visceral response? The hairs on the nape of the neck stand on end and feel flushed, full of adrenaline and flooded with energy. Those are aesthetic chills and man alive can they feel powerful. I often find that if a movie triggers that response in me, I like the movie a lot and weigh it heavily in my rankings. Below is a cultivated list of my Top 11 Most Aesthetic Chills-Inducing Moments in Movies I’ve ever seen. 1. Whiplash (2014) - Ending The about-face at the end of this movie wherein two guys are just pursuing excellence is nothing short of incredible. Imagine being one of the other musicians in this scene looking around and going, “Wait. We rehearsed this. Like, kind of a lot and now this joker that wasn’t at practice is just riffing?” J.K. Simmons earned his Oscar throughout the movie but oh man, his work at the end brought the house down. 2. Independence Day (1996) - Presidential Speech Every July 4th I make an effort to play this speech. It hits every time. While I hope our president is never forced to deliver this speech to the nation, if the speech writers churn out a banger like this one in that unlikely event, then I’m kind of okay with an alien invasion. Plus, it seems like UFOs (now called UAPs – Unidentified Aerial Anomalous Phenomena) are real so maybe we’re close. 3. It's Kind of a Funny Story (2010) - Under Pressure It’s Kind of a Funny Story is kind of a serious story. A young man is depressed to the point of suicidal contemplation and checks himself into a clinic that doesn’t meet his age group. The movie as a whole is understated and personal but this scene is the belle of the ball and a tonal departure with its surrealism. The denizens of the psych ward break into song in a surreal manner in this scene that warms the cockles of the heart. 4. Good Will Hunting (1997) – I Had to Go See About a Girl “I had to go see about a girl.” “Son of a bitch. He stole my line.” One of the greatest movie endings of all time. It is simultaneously telegraphed and perfect. Throw in a Robin Williams improv and now you’re just showing off. Good stuff. 5. Braveheart (1995) - FREEDOM! You know what I like about torture… Nope. Withdrawn! I will not be starting that way. The scene is really remarkable, though. Some may quibble with the reality of the story portrayed in the film but I don’t care. If you want history, read a history book. If you want to be entertained, go to the movies. 6. My Cousin Vinny (1992) - The Defense is Wrong The defense calls to the stand an expert that negates the story of the defense. “It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for ‘em.” It pays off in a huge way. It is so satisfying because the expert is the fiancée of the defense lawyer and she is discovering in real time while on the stand why she is there even though she is mad at a never-funnier Joe Pesci. The whole movie is incredible (and quotable – “no self-respecting Southerner uses instant grits”) and endlessly rewatchable. This ending is a big reason why. 7. Ocean's Eleven (2001) - Heist Reveal Photo by Airman 1st Class Tanaya M. Harms, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons When Clue ends the movie in multiple ways and says, “Here’s how it could have happened,” you are just along for the wild, wild ride. Much is the case in Ocean’s Eleven. We spend the whole movie hinting at who and what is required to pull off the heist but when we get to see what just happened all put together: wow! Satisfying on the highest of levels. Everyone has their role and nails it. Plus, the cast is as stacked as it gets outside of an MCU joint. 8. Thor: Ragnarok (2017) - Bifrost Bridge Speaking of the MCU, I give you this iconic scene. When the Immigrant Song blares while the God of Thunder rains down lightning on the rainbow bridge, it’s incredible. If you freeze it, the resulting snapshot feels like an Iron Maiden album cover (or one of those 90s shirts with a wolf and lightning). Epic levels of cool. 9. Rounders (1998) - He Beat Me, Straight Up 90s Matt Damon, man. He always hits (poker pun alert!). This is another movie that is wildly quotable. “Pay him. Pay that man his money.” My freshman year of High School, my best friend had me watch this movie and I’ve never been the same. We played poker with a bunch of friends all the time in High School. I firmly believe this movie to be the reason why. Even though most of the time we see the main character play poker, he loses, it still seems so grand and tantalizing. 10. Signs (2002) - Swing Away, Merrill That’s right. There are two emotionally powerful moments in alien movies on my list. How many does yours have? I can’t get enough of this movie. When Joaquin Phoenix shows up with a tin foil hat on, I lose it. So great! But this moment toward the end, which feels like a culmination and satisfying loop-closing of character quirks, is the best. I know some have quibbled with the decision by the aliens to invade a planet covered by water (which, Spoiler Alert!, is toxic to them), but space is toxic to humans and we keep sending dudes (and dudettes) back up there. Exploration involves risk (although you’d think they’d have brought, like, galoshes or something). 11. A Star is Born (2018) - Shallow Surprise-attacking someone with a live performance of a song they wrote in front of a large crowd really straddles the line between malevolence and benevolence. The thing is: Lady Gaga is always ready. Her voice is incredible and on full display in this song. This song is the moving moment that her character goes from waitress/singer to singer/superstar. We feel the pop from the audience immediately and she subsequently sees her career explode (while Bradley Cooper’s character trends the other way due to self-destructive actions). The song may be called Shallow, but this moment is deep (Sorry. I’m not mad at me, I’m just disappointed). Final Thoughts What makes the chills aesthetic? They feel good. I don’t include jump scares and heartbreak, moments in movies that may make you feel something but that something isn’t necessarily positive. Aesthetic chills: positive vibes only. I’m sure there are some great ones that I left off the list so please let me know in the comments which ones give you all the feels. Thanks! Have a great day!

By CJ Tiernan Jay Dixit, CC BY-SA 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons Character actor is the term often used for people that make a career playing supporting roles rather than starring as your typical leading man or leading lady. When you call J.K. Simmons one of the most prolific character actors to ever grace the silver screen, you pay him great compliment. He has earned it. Simmons has worked alongside countless stars and held his own on screen against them all, having played menacing, loving, and even characters using only his voice (including the yellow peanut M&M in the M&Ms commercials for like 30 years). You can stack his filmography up against just about anyone. Below is my Top 11 List of my favorite J.K. Simmons movies I’ve ever seen. Disclaimer: as he is often in a supporting role, I didn’t count his cameo roles as standalone options on the list so there are actually 16 movies in my Top 11 (insert Mitch Hedberg joke about 2-in-1 shampoo here). 1. Whiplash (2014) Whiplash is one of the greatest films ever. It is so incredible and the performance of J.K. Simmons is a big reason why. There is tension throughout the film, born of the hulking menace of Simmons’ character, Terence Fletcher. He won an Academy Award for the performance (the first of two nominations in his career so far). The final scene of the film is my favorite ending of all time. They say, “those that can’t do, teach.” He teaches so hard, man. 2. Klaus (2019) Christmas movies have a special place in our hearts because liking something is, in part, derived from our familiarity with it and we watch the same ones every year. As a result, it can be tough for a newcomer to crack the Top 11 Christmas Movies List. This one is in my Top 5. It’s that good. It’s an animated movie, featuring Simmons in the title role, about the origins of certain aspects of Christmas (kinda). It’s funny, it’s sweet, it’s violent, all the things you want from a Christmas movie. 3. The Ladykillers (2004) The Coen Brothers partnered with a heist movie. I’m sorry. You need more? How about Tom Hanks dressed as Colonel Sanders, a Wayans Brother, and J.K. Simmons looking like he’s ready to pan for gold in the mid-19th century. It may have been critically panned but clearly those people hate fun. I, for one, love fun and love this movie. 4a. Palm Springs (2020) Time travel movies are fantastic, as are the sub-genre: time loop movies. Groundhog Day is the O.G., against which all others will always be compared. I liked this one more. It’s more adult than most other options out there but man is it a fun ride. Simmons is featured as a guy who’s been accidentally brought into the time loop after it’s begun and is not a fan of the results. Violence ensues. 4b. Spider-Man: Far from Home (2019) - (Cameo) Spoiler Alert: If you are this far behind on the MCU you are either very young or you don’t really care but I nonetheless believe in spoiler alerts. This is a fantastic final-scene surprise cameo. J.K. Simmons became synonymous with J. Jonah Jameson because he seemed so perfectly cast in the original Sam Raimi trilogy. It was a bit of a stunt cast but, because I didn’t know it was coming, it was a wonderful surprise. Also, this is one of the best MCU movies and Spider-Man is my favorite Superhero. 4c. Burn After Reading (2008) - (Cameo) One of the best tools in the Simmons’ arsenal is the straight man. He has a deep voice that demands authority without needing to ask for it, so when he plays it straight, we laugh. Such is his role in this movie. He is essentially reacting to the chaos that plays out on screen through a repeated escalation of misunderstandings, but doing so in memo form. It’s just delicious. The whole movie is delicious. Brad Pitt and George Clooney have never been more off the rails. 5. Thank You for Smoking (2005) Here, Simmons plays the boss of the main character: a tobacco lobbyist played by Aaron Eckhart. At one point he laments that teen smoking is decreasing, as it is the “bread and butter” of the tobacco industry. As a staunch anti-smoker myself, I loved this movie for the over-the-top satire of the tobacco industry. I’m also a sucker for breaking the fourth wall, which is done kind of a lot in this movie. 6a. Zootopia (2016) This is a crazy fun idea. Zootopia is a world where all the animals live in one giant city, complete with appropriate biozone sections. They can walk and talk and wait in line at the DMV. Simmons plays the mayor (a lion) of Zootopia. When this movie was in theaters, my brother spent the day after he first saw this movie, in the theater watching it again. High praise. 6b. La La Land (2016) - (Cameo) Damien Chazelle came out of the gates with back-to-back bangers. He directed Whiplash and followed it up with this musical gem. With just the opening scene (a traffic jam wherein all the occupants hop out of their cars to sing and dance) he establishes so much of the fantastical, whimsical world where the plot transpires. Simmons small role as Ryan Gosling’s boss is memorable because he fires Gosling for playing jazz (after lambasting Miles Teller in Whiplash for not playing jazz well enough). You would think that Chazelle would be placed in a jazz pigeon hole after that but, nope, his next movie was about Neil Armstrong (and he found a new muse as Ryan Gosling was again the star. Move aside, J.K. Simmons, and let the man go through). 7. Juno (2007) Juno is a fantastic movie. It touches on universal themes like teen pregnancy and indie music. J.K. Simmons got to wear a bit of a different hat as he was the loving and understanding father of said pregnant teen. In addition to Simmons, this powerhouse cast features Michael Cera, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, Allison Janney (who also won a Supporting Acting Oscar), and the artist currently known as Elliot Page. The music in this movie is so emblematic of the era; it’s a real time capsule. 8. Spider-Man 2 (2004) This is the one with Doc Ock. Simmons again plays J. Jonah Jameson, this time in the best of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies. It’s dramatic, with higher, more global stakes than the first movie and it’s got a cool train scene. I know we’re talking about J.K. Simmons here, but let’s take a moment to give it up for Alfred Molina. He’s wonderful in this role and the effects are really impressive (lots of puppetry was used). 9. Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021) Spoiler Alert: They brought together all three Spider-Men. Maguire, Garfield, and Holland are all together in one scene in the biggest conglomeration of Spider-People since Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse a few years previous. They changed the role a bit for Simmons from the first time he played the character almost 20 years earlier. In fact, they used him to lampoon the sensationalism of far-right “news” sources. Spider-Man has a lot of villains in this movie but J. Jonah Jameson may be the biggest to Peter Parker. 10a. Spider-Man (2002) Here it is. The one that started it all. Peter Parker becomes Spider-Man, accidentally gets his grandpa killed, and kisses the love of his life upside-down in the rain. Willem Dafoe plays the bad guy and, to quote Weird Al, “he’s wearing that dumb Power Rangers mask, but he’s scarier without it on.” 10b. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023) - (Cameo) There are so many characters in this movie that you’d be saving yourself time listing the parties not involved. At one point in time there are like a hundred Spider-Men on screen at the same time. It’s awesome. I highly recommend watching it. I was bummed it ended on a cliff hanger but they crammed so much in that you can understand it. Simmons plays, and stop me if you heard this one before, J. Jonah Jameson. This time, he plays the role across multiple dimensions. Wait, he did that in real life too. Fun. 10c. Up in the Air (2009) - (Cameo) This is the third Jason Reitman film on my list (Thank You for Smoking and Juno are the others). Simmons is only in one scene but it’s pretty memorable. George Clooney plays a dude that fires people professionally. He turns the firing of J.K. Simmons’ Bob character around by asking “How much did they first pay you to give up on your dreams?” He pivots the loss of Bob’s job as an opportunity for Bob to do something he loves and actually wants to do. Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga round out a formidable cast. Fun fact: the city the plane is over when Clooney reaches 10 million miles mid-flight is my home town: Dubuque, Iowa. 11. Juror #2 (2024) A Clint Eastwood movie made in 2024? This guy is the Terminator. He can’t be stopped. It’s an incredible movie that follows a guy on a jury forced to decide the fate for a crime that he begins to think he may actually be responsible for. Simmons plays another guy on the jury who also becomes suspicious. Thrilling, gripping, and worthy of your time. Final Thoughts J.K. Simmons, to sum it up, is in a bunch of magnificent movies and you should just watch them all to ensure you don’t miss out on the good stuff. I am genuinely excited whenever Simmons is sprinkled in among the cast list for a new release. He’s also recently dabbled in some critically acclaimed TV. And if you aren’t a Super Hero person (what’s wrong with you?), you can choose any of the 11 non-Spider-Man movies on my list. Thanks so much! Have a great day! Here’s a list of the other J.K. Simmons movies I’ve seen. Saturday Night (2024) - (Cameo) Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021) - (Cameo) Extract (2009) Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers (2022) Red One (2024) Megamind (2010) - (Cameo) Spider-Man 3 (2007) Anastasia (1997) I Love You, Man (2009) Contraband (2012)

By CJ Tiernan In the immortal words of John Mulaney, “We’re all on board. We all love mom.” Our moms are almost universally meaningful to us. Caring, nurturing, steeped in unconditional love, the mother is the quintessential symbol of familial love. All that said, it’s fun to watch a show that plays on the troupe by showing the other side of motherhood or taking love and adoration too far. Below is a list of my Top 11 Favorite TV Show Moms I’ve ever seen and, as you will notice quickly, the rankings reflect their entertainment value and do not necessarily require them to excel at the role. 1. Lucille Bluth - Jessica Walter - Arrested Development Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America, CC BY-SA 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons The matriarch of the Bluth family is one of my favorite characters. She is consistently a terrible mother, sowing seeds of jealousy between her children and utilizing affection transactionally. But she’s there. She continues to be a part of things while her husband is in prison for embezzlement and fraud (and maybe some light treason). Matched against that, adopting a child performatively doesn’t seem as bad. 2. Jessica Huang - Constance Wu - Fresh Off the Boat If you haven’t seen Fresh Off the Boat, do yourself a favor and get on it. There are so many reasons to watch. It takes place in the ‘90s and has the wardrobe to boot. Randall Park plays the patriarch and he’s hilarious in everything. The kids are wonderfully cast and fantastically precocious. But Constance Wu, as a no-nonsense head-of-the-household mother, is the best. If you combined Julie Andrews with Marie Kondo you’d get a rough approximation of Jessica Huang. 3. Moira Rose - Catherine O'Hara - Schitt's Creek The late Catherine O’Hara had a knack for being remarkable regardless of the size of her role. In fact, she often played the straight “man” while others fired off the crazy all around. Not here. Nope, she really sank her teeth into this one. She formulated a one-of-a-kind accent of manufactured elegance and sophistication and bathed in false opulence all the way through the series. She’s like the embodiment of that optical illusion the has the old lady looking forward and the young lady looking away. 4. Maya DiMeo - Minnie Driver - Speechless I feel like after Good Will Hunting and Grosse Point Blank in the late ‘90s, I didn’t see Minnie Driver for a long time. Where did she go? I don’t know, but I sure was delighted when she popped up in this family comedy back in 2016. The cast that rounds out the DiMeo family is brilliant all around. Driver plays a Type-A personality mother of a child with cerebral palsy and operates as his advocate constantly (along with Kenneth, the aide). She also uses her real British accent, which I didn’t even know existed. 5. Beverly Goldberg - Wendi McLendon-Covey - The Goldbergs Beverly Goldberg is a “smother” (a smothering mother). She is a lot to handle. While her sweaters are eye-catching, her parenting is louder. She has catchphrases like, “I have failed as a mother” and “how could you do this to me.” She cares about her children so much but is also a big me-monster that makes situations about her. Highly entertaining. Plus, Patton Oswalt does the voice-over during the episodes so what’s not to love, Schmoo? 6. Linda Belcher - John Roberts - Bob's Burgers You know that phrase “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?” If that were a real thing that happened and not just an axiom uttered to the downtrodden, Linda Belcher would have made the most lemonade in history. She would have stores of it in her basement like my High School history teacher did with pennies. Linda is on board with any scheme and takes every hit and keeps on coming. She is creative, funny, sympathetic, unyielding, and voiced by a guy named John. 7. Jane Villanueva - Gina Rodriguez - Jane the Virgin First of all: watch Jane the Virgin. It’s one of the greatest shows of all time (It’s currently positioned at #21 on my all-time list). It is part rom-com, part telenovela, with a sprinkle of fantasy fairy dust on top. Jane became a mom accidentally and the whirlwind journey begins there. The story has many twists and turns (as you’d expect from a soap opera-esque show) and a lot of heart and the best narration in the history of TV. 8. Claire Dunphy - Julie Bowen - Modern Family This is one of the utmost ensemble casts ever assembled. There are heavy hitters all over the map and yet, Julie Bowen stands out. She rules the Dunphy roost with a cool poise. While the Dunphys have three kids, Claire is in charge of four because of the grown-child presence of her husband, Phil. Realtor Magician (Phil’s social standing) sounds like a class you could choose in Dungeon Crawler Carl. 9. Kitty Forman - Debra Jo Rupp - That '70s Show Be honest: was the first thing you thought of when you saw the name Kitty her high pitched voice? Her laugh? The constant presence of alcohol options? She is an iconic character in a show where her kids have a gruff, war veteran father and constantly mess around anyway. She is caught in the middle of two very different generations and responds with the 2 Ls: laughter and liquor. 10. Kristina Braverman - Monica Potter - Parenthood Much like Maya DiMeo, Kristina Braverman spends a lot her time advocating for her son with special needs. She is constantly seen trying to connect with Max and to fight for him. The show Parenthood is fantastic. If you haven’t seen it, think A Million Little Things and This is Us vibes. It’s got a powerhouse cast, and follows a family through three generations (like Modern Family, but more dramatic). If I was re-ranking this list on ability to be a good mother, she may be moved to number one. 11. Dr. Rainbow Johnson - Tracee Ellis Ross - Black-ish In 2018, my mom got her doctorate. I can (and sometimes do) now call her Dr. Mom. Rainbow (Bow, as she’s known in the show) is a medical doctor with five kids. She has her hands full and yet she manages it all (and man-child Anthony Anderson), seemingly with ease. She can be passionate, serious, professional, and fun. She is a remarkable character with hippies for parents (hence the name Rainbow). Tracee Ellis Ross may be the daughter of Diana Ross but you can stuff your nepotism claims in a sack, mister, she crushes this role. Final Thoughts Moms on TV are, at times, exactly what we want and need in our lives in low moments and at other times we’re completely thankful they’re not real because: yikes! As you may have noticed, the list I assembled doesn’t have any shows that began airing prior to the release of the first Backstreet Boys album. There’s no June Cleaver, no Wilma Flintstone, no Clair Huxtable. I only included the shows that I’ve seen and those are largely before my time and I’ve only ever seen a few episodes of each. Please feel free to chastise me in the comments for my botched list. Like a mother, I hope you’ll love me even if I have failed. Thanks! Have a great day!

By CJ Tiernan Laughter is famously the very best medicine. It adds some levity and perspective to life. Life is too short to push through day in and day out without stopping to laugh at the absurd things all around us. In my opinion, stand-up comedy is best when the comedian taps into something we all see and experience and subverts it or looks at in a way that none of us have thought about. It is a satisfying thing to hear because not only are we Rolling On The Floor Laughing Out Loud (ROTFLOL) but we also feel seen. Below is a list of my Top 11 favorite comedians I've ever listened to. 1. John Mulaney Best Album: New in Town (2012) Dominick D, CC BY-SA 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons While his self-titled sitcom did NOT become the hit that Jerry's Seinfeld did, his stand-up is second to none. Mulaney is a master story teller. His most recent work has reflected on the mistakes of his youth (lots of drugs and alcohol) but his early work as a naive, bright-eyed, bushy tailed man about town is unparalleled. He has great observational humor but my favorite is just his recounting of stories from his perspective with respect to the other characters thoughts and feelings as well. It is masterful. 2. Brian Regan Best Album: I Walked on the Moon (2004) I vividly remember on a church mission trip out to Montana from Iowa, listening to Brian Regan for the first time. My friend AK-47 (not his given or legal name) had me listen on his iPod (remember those?) to "Brian Regan: Live." It was a game changer. He is my favorite in the observational humor vein. His style can be brash, loud, and simple-minded but his observations are second to none. I have endlessly quoted his routines since I first heard them and will recommmend his work to anyone and everyone I meet. You can't top him. He walked on the moon. 3. Mitch Hedberg Best Album: Strategic Grill Locations (1999) Ah, Mitch Hedberg. Gone too soon. He is the master of the one-liner. With respect to the greats that came before him like Henry Youngman and Steven Wright, Mitch is the best. He is part ridiculous, part brilliant and all of his jokes and observations come across with humility as though they are throw-aways. There are very few comedians in the history of being funny for a living to ever generate anywhere near the laughs-per-minute rate of Hedberg. 4. Jerry Seinfeld Best Album: I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998) Seinfeld is a technician. His ability to find the perfect word or phrase to maximize a joke and then emphasize the words just right is untouchable. He is one of the first if not the first you think of when you think of observational humor. Just as he and Larry David did on the show, he is so in tune with the world around him and able to use snippets of reality to twist in to comedy gold. Gold, Jerry, Gold! 5. Bo Burnham Best Album: Inside (2021) Bo is a musical comedian. He is the head of the class in the subject. He can jump from genre to genre effortlessly and can switch from the impressively poignant and profound to the lowest common denominator. He is also probably the one that I've seen address mental health in the most impressive manner of any comedian. He was also a wunderkind and is the only one on (fun! 3 straight words that start with "on") my list to be younger than me. 6. Steve Martin Best Album: Let's Get Small (1977) Yes, I'm aware that there were comedians before Steve Martin. However, I see Martin as the O.G. He was an absurdist maestro and would showcase his other skills as a banjo player and magician in his acts. His autobiography "Born Standing Up" is the best non-fiction book I've ever read. He is today's Renaissance Man, having been a stand-up comic, an author, an actor, a screenwriter, a director, a magician, a Grammy-winning banjo player, and creating and starring in a TV show. He has also looked the same since like the '70s so there may be witchcraft involved. 7. Kumail Nanjiani Best Album: Beta Male (2013) Nanjiani is one of the most charming comedy performers. He is great at observational humor but also, because he is originally from Pakistan, he is able to have self-deprecating, culture-clash observations that sometimes leave himself as the humor source. Ever since I first heard his bit about the drug "Cheese," I pronounce the word "heroin" in the manner he pronounces it (don't worry, it's not like heroin comes up in daily conversation. I, uh, don't roll with that flavor of crowd). 8. Aziz Ansari Best Album: Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening (2010) Aziz is an incredible ball of energy. His incredulity at the way other people behave in his stories is so endlessly delightful. He also offers a sing-song delivery that is so deliciously quotable. I'm often triggered by everyday things and words to think of some of his stories and observations. Talking about thread counts on sheets: "this lady's like 'I got 700 back at my house. It's like sleeping in lotion.'" 9. Nate Bargatze Best Album: The Tennessee Kid (2019) All of Nate Bargatze's humor seems to come from how dumb he is. Most one-trick-pony comedians don't work for me, but his style is so endearing and humble and his affect is charming. It works. I loved watching him on SNL, because it seemed like he finally jumped the shark and people got to know him and see him (also his patriotic sketch was a killer). He has such an understated delivery that it feels like he doesn't know how funny he is (even though he is literally making people laugh for a living so, he probably knows). 10. Louis C.K. Best Album: Live at Beacon Theater (2011) His story telling is incredible. He is able to take you to a time and place where something happened to him or around him, and he just perfectly paints a hilarious picture. His health and appearance are big pieces of his work, and he is so in-tune with his observations of the world. I like when he breaks down the transgressions of someone around him. He takes a mundane action and successfully paints it as absurd. His bit about people wanting to do "their favorite thing" is one I think about all the time. It helps me laugh instead of screaming 11. Demetri Martin Best Album: These Are Jokes (2006) Demetri Martin is one of the weirdest comedians I've ever seen. He does his comedy very straight-faced, but with absurd content. He has done comedy alongside drawings and while using the guitar and even used Will Forte as a back-up vocalist. The ideas that come from this man's mind are wild and the world is a better place for having him in it. He is a one-of-a-kind and had to be included on the list. Final Thoughts Comedy is subjective. What makes one person laugh, may not connect with someone else. I have listened to 100s of stand-up comedy specials and these 11 people are my favorites that I've ever head. I know that my list is not the same as everyone else and I think that is fun and cool. Please include the comedians you feel I've failed to include on my list in the comments. Thanks!

By CJ Tiernan Creating something new is hard. To conjure something from nothing takes time and effort. This is a list showcasing people braggadociously showing off their skills. They have created something new, inside of something they created. My list, drawn from books, movies, and TV shows, illustrates invention within creation. Hat tip to all you intrepid writers. This is my Top 11 List of the Greatest Fictional Games in the history of fiction. 1. Jumanji – Jumanji - Movie “In the jungle you must wait, until the dice read 5 or 8.” [Insert mind-blown emoji here]. Jumanji is a wild game that brings the dangers of the jungle to your gaming parlor or, occasionally, brings you directly to the source. I’m a sucker for a board game and I would absolutely LOVE a game where the pieces move themselves when you roll the dice. Manual labor is for the birds. 2. CharDee MacDennis - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - TV This is my favorite episode of the show. The game is a weird trivia game where they all wrote down questions and answers years previous with the added benefit of unexpected side quests. While this is a game that tragically lacks a home edition, I absolutely love watching these characters pair-up and face-off in a game without a clearly defined set of rules. 3. Quidditch - Harry Potter - Book Quaffle, bludger, seeker, and snitch, this game is played on a pitch. Step one: fly on brooms. Step two: score more than the opponent. I’m in. I’m all the way in. J.K. Rowling does a tremendous job of explaining the rules in a such a manner that one can actually play this one at home (in a modified, grounded version). It is unquestionably one of the most ubiquitous fictional games in pop culture history. 4. True American - New Girl - TV Part drinking game, part American patriotism, this game is a complete riot. The rules are never clearly defined enough for viewers to play at home, but they have tried anyway. In a game with absurd rules, if you don’t know them, make them up yourself. My grandfather once said, “If at first you don’t succeed: cheat.” Truer words have never been uttered (or been more American). 5. Oasis - Ready Player One - Book Warner Bros. Pictures, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons This is the only video game on the list. I included it because it is a full body, virtual-reality immersion, so it counts. You can be anyone and go anywhere and do anything (if you have the credits). It is last open-world game society will ever need. Whoa! This is heavy. 6. Cones of Dunshire - Parks and Recreation - TV Ben Wyatt is painted as a nerd on the show, but they seemingly felt they hadn’t properly portrayed how big of a nerd he was, so the show runners had him introduce the world to The Cones of Dunshire. The Settlers of Catan seemed to be the launching-off point of creating a game with complicated rules (and many pieces). Keep in mind that even with everything else going on, you can’t forget about the cones. 7. Dogfight Football - Top Gun: Maverick You know what I love about a sport like football? There are levels of sophistication. On the surface, you understand the team with the most points wins and you get points by taking the football to the extreme end of the field against the will of the opponent. But the more you dig into the strategy of the game, the more incredible the intricasies are. In Dogfight Football, you have two footballs and play both offense and defense simultaneously. The complexity becomes almost infinite. Or, you know, you just play shirtless on the beach and have a gay old time. P.S. There are 12 games on this list because I forgot to include this game on the intial publication. Sorry! 8. The Hunger Games - The Hunger Games - Book This is one of the only games on the list I’m not interested in playing. There’s a real mortal-peril element to the game that doesn’t interest me. Unfortunately, violence as a spectator sport is a frequent trope in a post-apocalyptic future. I blame the Romans. 9. Marshgammon - How I Met Your Mother - TV Marshall created a game to combine all the best elements of all the best games (except, of course, backgammon, which only appears in the name). Or, so he says. In reality, he simply crafted this game to interrogate Ted’s girlfriend (Spoiler alert: NOT the titular mother). Had he actually succeeded in combining all the best games, this would be higher on the list. 10. Bamboozled / Cups – Friends - TV I smooshed together two games on this list because, well, it’s my list and I think they’re both funny. Bamboozled is a game show that Joey is auditioning to host. We get to see him and Ross and Chandler try to figure it out (to delightfully comedic results). Cups is a completely different game on a completely different episode that Chandler is making up on the spot to give Joey his money back. Say it with me now, “Well, that’s a full cup!” 11. The Running Man - The Running Man – Book This is another murder game available for national broadcast. Turning the cash grab of desperate people into a televised game sounds horrible. It also sounds like something we’re getting closer and closer to making a reality. Lawyers get a bad rap, but I suspect their presence is the only thing keeping this Stephen King concoction from becoming reality. 12. Holochess / Tri-Dimensional Chess/ Wizard’s Chess – Star Wars / Star Trek / Harry Potter – Movie/ TV / Book I’ve played chess. Not to brag, but I was on the chess team in 4th grade. It is deceptively complex. The two most universal Sci-Fi franchises in history (and the biggest book series since Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) managed to add to the intricacy. “Hmm, lets take that square board and turn it into a circle. Oh, and the pieces fight each other.” “One level will never do. Give me all the levels! It’s all levels, Jerry!” “The pieces are alive! Alive! Obedient and violent, but alive!” That’s a working theory on the conversations surrounding the creation of the games, I wasn’t actually there. Final Thoughts Man, I wish I could play some of these games. I know they did release a home version of Jumanji, but it’s not the same. Some of the games have had fans augment the existing rules to create a more realized and fleshed-out version of the one we’ve seen on screen or read, enabling one to play in real life, but it’s not the same. Instead, we’ll just continue to enjoy watching or reading our favorite characters play unreachable games. Alas. If I missed any of your favorite games that don’t exist in our world, please be sure to include it in the comments. Thanks! Zathura – Zathura - Book Caravan - Fallout: New Vegas – Video Game Diseases - How I Met Your Mother - TV BASEketball – BASEketball - Movie Poohsticks - Winnie the Pooh - Book

By CJ Tiernan We’ve all heard of the one-hit wonder. A band has a huge hit that everyone loves and follows that single up with…nothing. They never recapture the glory of that one hit. It must be an odd existence to dedicate an entire career to music and only be known for one hit. Meanwhile, John Williams is out here getting nominated for an Oscar every year or two (seriously, he’s been nominated 54 times for scoring films). Well, this list is dedicated to the music artists that managed to achieve that breathtaking feeling of creating a hit not once, but twice. Here’s my list of the Top 11 Two-Hit Wonders I’ve ever heard (They may have had more songs chart, but there are two unquestioned hits for each). 1. Eve 6 - Inside Out & Here's to the Night Formed by a few guys who signed a record deal while still in High School, and named after a character in an episode of The X-Files, Eve 6 was a flash of light in the mid-90s. I absolutely love both of these songs. In fact, I created a parody song called “I’m the Dark Knight” that follows the plight of a lowly billionaire playboy through the nights of Gotham City across three Christopher Nolan movies. You can access my music page here. 2. Golden Earring - Twilight Zone & Radar Love AVRO, CC BY-SA 3.0 NL , via Wikimedia Commons First thing I think of when I think of Golden Earring? Slappin’ da bass! The bass guitar interlude in Twilight Zone is wonderous! These are two ‘80s rock staples (correction: "Radar Love" came out in 1973. Ah, who we kidding. It's timeless). Enjoy them with maximum volume! Disclaimer: Twilight Zone the song is not related to The Twilight Zone TV show. 3. Spin Doctors - Two Princes & Little Miss Can't Be Wrong I’m pretty sure if one was forced to craft a desert island scenario of ‘90s bands, you’d have to let the Spin Doctors on the raft. Both of these songs are so quintessential ‘90s. I love it! I’ve never seen them so I’m just picturing DJs with stethoscopes. Thoughts? 4. Fastball - The Way & Out of My Head Do not look into the back story that inspired “The Way.” It is way sadder than one would expect from a song they’ve heard (and sung along to) a hundred times on FM radio. Jeez. Alright, fine. I’ll tell you. It’s about an elderly couple that went missing on a 15-mile journey and were found weeks later in a ravine, hundreds of miles from their destination. One of them had recently had brain surgery and the other was showing signs of dementia. Any relation? Who knows? It’s a mind-bending mystery. Obviously, it didn’t end well for the couple, but you can still appreciate the romanticized spin on the unsolved mystery by the band. Surprisingly, they threw a curveball. 5. Paula Cole - Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? & I Don't Want to Wait Alright, the jig is up. I love me some 90s songs. You happy now? “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone" is a send up of classic gender roles but, as is a common occurrence when people write the opposite of what they mean, it was largely received at face value. To be fair, I try to avoid using my brain when listening to music so that it gets to my ears faster and unfettered. Oh, and her other song? It became the theme song for Dawson’s Creek. nbd. 6. Blues Traveler - Run-Around & Hook “Hook” is another song that is used as commentary on music. Substance is for the birds, they say; “the ‘Hook’ brings you back.” I mean, it’s not wrong. I love me a good hook. Let that be a lesson to all you prospective musicians out there, if you start in on the social commentary, you’re going to max out at two hits (with no minimum guarantee). 7. Dido - White Flag/Thank You If you don’t know Dido, you’re missing out. Or, more likely, you know her as the artist sampled by Eminem in his song about a fan: “Stan.” She is a singer/songwriter whose full name is Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O’Malley Armstrong. I can’t imagine why she would have shortened it to Dido. Even initials would have been longer. If you had to slap that name on the back of a sports jersey, they’d have to bend it around the number so dramatically it’d form a circle. 8. Five for Fighting - 100 Years & Superman (It's Not Easy) I’d argue that it’s less of an upset that Five for Fighting is on this list than it is that they have multiple songs. Hand up, these two songs congeal in my head to form one super piano-laden soft rock hit track. Speaking of upsets: Five for Fighting is not a group of five people. It’s a dude named Vladimir. Am I the only thinking that Vladimir sounds more like a vampire that’ll span centuries than a mortal with 100 years to live. 9. Tone Loc - Wild Thing & Funky Cold Medina Tone Loc churned out not one but two hits that lead to what I’ve decided to refer to as “involuntary boogieing.” Go ahead. Try and listen to either song and keep your shoulders (or booty) from shaking and shimmying. And if that doesn’t do it for you, this dude was a ‘90s movie staple. Seriously, I don't think Hollywood would let you make a kids movie between '93 and '95 without throwing this guy in. He played Juice in Blank Check and a cop in both Surf Ninjas and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Juice? No thanks, I’m not thirsty. 10. Finger Eleven – Paralyzer & One Thing Fun Fact: these guys changed their name to Finger Eleven from Rainbow Butt Monkeys. That’s too bad because that very well may have made the Top 11 Band Names List you know is coming. Finger Eleven is named to symbolize going against the grain and ignoring outside noise. I’m not sure what Rainbow Butt Monkeys symbolizes, but it’s hilarious. It reminds me that I haven’t used the phrase Butt Monkey as a pejorative in far too long. 11. The Presidents of the United States of America – Lump & Peaches I have often cited the song “If” by the band Bread as the shortest combination of characters between the band name and the song title. This band may fall on the other end of the spectrum. They have the largest difference between number of characters in the band name and song title. Believe it or not: I actually wrote a parody song to Peaches as well (Weird Al had beaten me to the song Lump). Again, link to my music here. Final Thoughts You know what’s better than a none-hit wonder? A one-hit wonder. And a two-hit wonder is mathematically twice as good. These are great music artists. They churned out some great jams. Some even managed to piece together a greatest hits album. These are my favorites that I feel qualify for this list. Please let me know if I missed any that you think qualify (I know there can be some debate on the subject). I actually pulled Corey Hart and Natasha Beddingfield off the list as I was creating it because I think they had too many hits to make the list (even though I’d only heard two from each). Thanks so much for taking the time to read this! Here’s a list of my favorite two-hit wonders that just missed my Top 11. Neon Trees - Animal/Everybody Talks Owl City - Fireflies/Good Time Quiet Riot - Cum On Feel the Noize/Metal Health (Bang Your Head) Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years/All I Need is a Miracle Inner Circle - Bad Boys/Sweat (A La La La La Long) LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem/Sexy and I Know It Smash Mouth - Walking on the Sun/All Star The Rembrandts - Just the Way It Is, Baby/I'll Be There for You Fine Young Cannibals - Good Thing/She Drives Me Crazy The Edgar Winter Group - Frankenstein/Free Ride A-ha - Take on Me/The Sun Always Shines on T.V.

By CJ Tiernan Whether employed as a dipping sauce, or slathered atop a dish like special shampoo on a lice kid, the condiment is an essential piece on the cuisine checkerboard. It can supplement, enhance, or straight-up drown-out the flavor of the food in question. I’m a big condiment guy. I’ve been known to apply liberally. I’m the guy at a restaurant who orders an extra side of sauce before the meal even comes because, c’mon son, one little container? Who do you think I am? Below is My Top 11 List of greatest condiments. Please enjoy. (No spices were considered in the making of this list, just the saucy types). 1. Barbecue Sauce You know what the key ingredient to a good barbecue sauce is? Sugar! I’ll ride this sugar train all the way to funky town. Barbecue sauce often rides shotgun to a BBQ meal, which are the best! Smoked meats, grilled meats, meats on a kabob, any meats go great with barbecue sauce. I’ve never tried it as a salad dressing, but I’ve also never said no to it as a salad dressing so, who knows? It’s great for a whole bunch of stuff and as long as they don’t go overboard with the Worcestershire sauce, we’re good. 2. Salsa There is an entire cuisine that enters battle with Salsa as it’s champion condiment. Mexican cuisine is the gato’s pajamas! Chips, burritos, tacos, huevos rancheros, it’s all wonderful with salsa on top. I’m a big salsa on my eggs guy and salsa has been keeping my chips wet for decades (my apologies: that sounds dirtier than I intended). 3. Ketchup Me, my new ketchup, and a Ninja Turtle, Christmas '93 Fun fact: for Christmas one year I was gifted a bottle of ketchup by my paternal grandma. Actually, it was a two-pack. The word is out: your boy loves ketchup. Heinz dominates the market for good reason. It’s top notch, A+ stuff. Oh, and if you, like me, put ketchup on your hot dog: that’s great! Good for you. It’s your food, you deserve to have it served however you like (if you like – T.I.). All the hot dog elites that try and tell people how they should consume their own food can kick rocks (and surrender their hot dogs). 4. Maple Syrup Breakfast condiment time! I personally don’t really mind if it’s real maple syrup or fake maple syrup, they’re all fantastic on pancakes (and waffles, and French toast, and oatmeal, and when they accidentally bump up against your bacon and eggs). I tend to swim in the Log Cabin waters when the option is available but they’re all fantastic. I do, however, firmly stand on the pronunciation as SIR-up, not SEAR-up (but again, do you. It’s your food). 5. Buffalo Sauce I like a little kick in the pants every now and again whilst dinning; something that says both “you’re alive” and “you’re mortal.” It’s a delicate balance that Buffalo sauce strikes with aplomb. Do you know the difference between Buffalo sauce and hot sauce? They add melted butter to the hot sauce to make it Buffalo. That’s it. Living proof that adding melted butter to anything improves the product (I’m not legally responsible for whatever you do with the previous sentence). 6. Bleu Cheese Dressing Bleu cheese is an acquired taste. It is, in fact, a frequent P.I.C. (partner in crime) with Buffalo sauce. I’ve come to quite enjoy a little tang from cheese crumbles and when you can turn them into a pourable potable, well now you’ve struck gold. I’m curious how Parisians got a stranglehold on salad dressing monikers as they got to both choose the spelling of “Blue” and make their own style: French. 7. Caesar Dressing This is my go-to salad dressing. I can’t tell you how many times I had it before I found out that a common ingredient in Caesar Dressing is anchovies. Anchovies? The little fish that the Ninja Turtles put on their pizza? Gross! But I love the dressing. So, do I love anchovies? I don’t know. I hope to never find out, to be honest, because they look so off-putting. But I’m torn because, would Michaelangelo and them boys ever steer me astray? 8. Pesto Yes, it’s a pasta sauce. It’s also a superb sandwich spread. It’s versatile. It’s the utility infielder of the condiment world. If you’re allergic to pine nuts, it may negatively affect your ability to stay ambulatory but don’t misunderstand me: it’s worth it. (I’m not legally responsible for whatever you do with the previous sentence). 9. Aioli Aioli sounds classy, doesn’t it? Like, the second you tell someone you’re eating a sandwich with aioli, their subconscious gives you several additional respect points like Tony Reali on Around the Horn. Garlic and olive oil: the best duo since Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart. 10. Mayo Ah, mayo: the next-door neighbor of aioli. Mayo is to Walmart what Aioli is to Whole Foods. What I don’t understand is how it can be made from eggs and shelf stable for a year. What is going on there? Science! Magical, mysterious (safe to consume) science! 11. Hot Sauce There are only 3 ingredients in Hot Sauce (the basic level, anyway): chili peppers, vinegar, and salt. That’s why it can sit on the table of your local breakfast establishment, untouched for years, until you stroll in and dribble it on your sunny side up. Two of the three ingredients are preservatives. It can hold down the fort in your pantry indefinitely, like honey (Wait! Crap! Is honey a condiment?). Final Thoughts My mouth is watering just thinking about all these condiment options. I wonder what it would taste like if you mixed all 11 together, like with sodas at your local Taco Bell. Probably awesome! It would probably create Awesome Sauce! Anyway, this is the list of my Top 11 favorite condiments I’ve ever tried. If you really like one that you think I left off the list, let me know in the comments. Thanks! Have a great day!

By CJ Tiernan You know what I like about a Minor League Baseball game? It’s an event. You go to a game to do something. It doesn’t matter who is playing, if you know the players, what the record is, even which team wins. One simply gathers a cadre of friends and family and dips into the ballpark. The sinister pricing system of the professional sports teams (and theme parks and airports and …) hasn’t infected them so you can go and still come back with all four limbs (or at least the number you started with). They also go all out on the names to try and get you to buy merch. These names are wild! Below is my Top 11 List of my Favorite Minor League Baseball Team Names of which I’ve ever seen or heard. 1. Las Vegas 51s (Las Vegas, NV) This is the only one on this list that no longer exists. They are now known as the Aviators. They changed it in 2019 when they got a new stadium and consequently broke the hearts of conspiracy theorists everywhere. I’m not clear what tie-in aviation has to Las Vegas, but it’s not as cool as having a little grey alien as your mascot (referencing Area 51 of Roswell, New Mexico fame). Such a shame. #NeverForget 2. Rocket City Trash Pandas (Madison, AL) I am R., Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons A Trash Panda is, according to the logo for the team, a racoon using a garbage can as a rocket. Glorious! While one may be confused on the use of the nickname Rocket City for a town in Alabama when Tom Hanks talks to Houston in Apollo 13, the rockets were apparently developed here. How about that? Not too shabby for a metropolis of 56,000 humans. 3. Richmond Flying Squirrels (Richmond, VA) The flying squirrel is one of the coolest animals out there. Land animals that can fly are right up at the top of the list along with anything that has dragon in the name. I’m picturing the smaller half of Rocky and Bullwinkle trading in his (voiced by a woman, but is male) aviator cap for a batting helmet. Thoughts? 4. Akron RubberDucks (Akron, OH) Often times, one names a team to inspire some level of menace and intimidation in the opponent. I’m thinking that Akron zigged where others zag. Imagine taking the field to a song by Bert and Ernie (Disclaimer: I’m not certain they actually do this). No denying: it’s unique. 5. Hartford Yard Goats (Hartford, CT) I’ve heard of a mountain goat. If one is required to make the distinction that a goat is a mountain goat, one is led to believe there is alternate variety of goat. Apparently, much like the free-range children of a pre-9/11 society, we have the yard goat. It is given the liberty to roam the property as long as it is home by dinner time. Sweet! If I ever do a Top 11 list of animal facial hair, you know a goat is making the list. 6. Sugar Land Space Cowboys (Sugar Land, TX) Cowboys? In Texas? Unheard of. Space Cowboys, though? That sounds dope! In fact, so does Sugar Land. It sounds like the place Willy Wonka retired to after emotionally scarring a bunch of kids and handing the keys off to Charlie in the Wonkvator. In a world where one can be a Sugar Land Space Cowboy, why is anyone doing anything else? 7. Quad Cities River Bandits (Davenport, IA) Pirates sail the seven seas. Vikings pillage and plunder. It appears Bandits are relegated to the rivers and the lakes that your used to. For the uninitiated, the Quad cities straddle the Mississippi River between Iowa and Illinois and are comprised of the following four cities: Davenport and Bettendorf in Iowa and Rock Island and Moline in Illinois. Four cities! Stick that in your pipe and smoke, Minnesota. 8. Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp (Jacksonville, FL) Full disclosure: I’m a sucker for an oxymoron. I’m not a fan of people saying something other than what they mean, but when you use a combination of words that seem to contradict one another, well you’re just out there having a grand old time with the English language. You go crazy! Some of my favorites include living dead, awful good, freezer burn, old news, student teacher, soft rock, random order, original copy, guest host, and plastic silverware. 9. Montgomery Biscuits (Montgomery, AL) Alabama, you saucy minx! You got on the list twice. Not too bad for a state without any professional teams (other than the University of Alabama football progrum under Nick Saban). A biscuit is delicious, so I want to start there, but it’s also a common word used in southern colloquialisms. “You can toss yer boots in the oven ‘n’ call ‘em biscuits, that don’t make it true.” I mean, what? I know 2 things about these people: they are poets, and no self-respectin’ southerner would use instant grits. 10. Binghamton Rumble Ponies (Binghamton, NY) I like when people use ponies in slang when talking about betting on horses. Something, something, bet the ponies. Delightful! I don’t know what a Rumble Pony is, but I do feel the Rumble part puts some sting in the Ponies part. It spices it up a little. They sound fierce, borderline unhinged, like they could do the type of damage the wildebeests achieve in The Lion King. 11. Amarillo Sod Poodles (Amarillo, TX) Alright, so a Sod Poodle is an awesome name. We’re on the same page so far, but what does it mean? It’s a prairie dog! Those weird little ferret things that pop out of the ground in the beginning of The Lion King 1½ (Well, how about that? All Minor League Baseball roads lead to a Lion King reference). Adorable! On the logo, they have cowboy hats and everything, it’s just the best. Classic Texas. Final Thoughts With so many wild and crazy names in one place, you may be tempted to go out and name the next child you see something like Lazenbee or Narthex but I encourage you to leave the crazy names to the semi-professionals. If there is a name I missed that you absolute adore for its zany interactions with the temporal lobe, please be sure to add it in the comments. I’ll leave a list below of the MiLB team names that just missed my Top 11. Thanks for reading and have a great day! Lehigh Valley IronPigs (Allentown, PA) Rancho Cucamonga Quakes (Rancho Cucamonga, CA) Albuquerque Isotopes (Albuquerque, NM) El Paso Chihuahuas (El Paso, TX) Biloxi Shuckers (Biloxi, MS) Lansing Lugnuts (Lansing, MI) Lakeland Flying Tigers (Lakeland, FL) Omaha Storm Chasers (Papillion, NE)

By CJ Tiernan Over the years, my vernacular has become heavily populated with movie lines. There are certain circumstances that arise that you can more or less set your timepiece to me delivering a line from a movie, like Woody with a pull string. Off the dome, I’m remembering “Reach for the sky,” “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” “There’s a snake in my boot,” and “Somebody poisoned the waterhole.” In that sense, I'm a walking if-then statement. One’s youth is often labelled their “formative years.” You will find my list is super saturated with movies that were released prior to my gaining the eligibility to vote. Below is the list of the Top 11 movies I believe I quote the most. Please enjoy! I have included the quotes I use most often from each movie. 1. The Emperor's New Groove (2000) Disney initially intended for this to be a wildly different movie. Praise the Lord for rewrites. It became one of not only the funniest animated movies of all time but one of the funniest movies period. I simply smile every time I think about the gift that is this movie. Also, Patrick Warburton’s voice as Kronk is perfection. · Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall. Yep. Sharp rocks at the bottom? Most likely. Bring it on. – Kuzco/Pacha · Yeah, weird. – Kronk · Why do we even have that lever? – Yzma · Why do they even have that lever? – Kuzco · You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult. – Kuzco · Seems like a pretty crucial conjunction to me – Chaca · Is that my voice? Is that MY voice? – Yzma · I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off the emperor’s groove – Guard · Beware, the groove – Old Man · Boom, baby – Kuzco · Hey, I’ve been turned into a cow. Can I go home? – Guard · Or, to save on postage, I’ll just poison him with this – Yzma · My spinach puffs – Kronk · Squeak, squeakin', squeak, squeakity – Kronk · On second thought, make my potatoes a salad – Yzma · No, no, no. He’s got a point – Angel Kronk on Shoulder · By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense – Kronk · What the… how long has that been there – Kuzco · [Kronk doing his own theme music] – Kronk · What are the odds that trap door led down here? – Kronk · Smash it with a hammer – Yzma · Kuzco’s poison, the poison for Kuzco - Kronk 2. Surf Ninjas (1993) Ernie_Reyes_Jr.jpg: Rubensteinderivative work: Tabercil, CC BY 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons If you strictly adhere to critical review from Rotten Tomatoes, this is not one you’ve likely seen. For me, this is the movie I’ve seen more than any other movie ever. I love it. It was my favorite movie growing up. It is really neck and neck between this one and The Emperor’s New Groove for most quoted. My brother and I can basically quote the whole movie back and forth. · Motosurf! – Johnny · Kwantsu, dudes! - Adam · Seriously, if you don't want chives, I won’t put them in. Well, I like chives bro. – Johnny/Iggy · Just this once, I’d like to be wrong – Cop · So where is Spain? It could be here - Adam · They tried to make me find Spain once. I said it could be anywhere. – Johnny · What if I lose this power? – Iggy · It means, like, free beer or something – Adam · Chick’s got a veil, dude’s gotta bail. If she’s afraid to show it, she’s probably not…very attractive – Johnny/Iggy · Probably that dumb cat knocking something over. We have a cat? – Mac/Adam · Newsflash! Your side lost! – Johnny · I swallowed it last Tuesday. Whoa, how'd you know you were gonna need it? I swallow it every Tuesday. - Lt. Spence/Adam · Money can’t buy knives – Iggy · Remember the guy you said would come if we didn’t eat our vegetables? He’s here – Adam · Our buddy Long John Silver here left the gas running. Real bright! I mean, what if the house blows up? – Iggy · Hey, I found Waldo! Really? Psych! – Johnny/Zatch · Colonel Chi is wise, Colonel Chi is all-knowing – Brainwashing Public Address Loop played for Prioners · Aw c'mon! I had some moves in me too! – Iggy · Yeah right, you never surfed a day in your life – Johnny · We all know, it’s like a big joke - Adam · Adam, you’re driving! Aint it bitchin’ – Johnny/Adam · Alright, I want you to keep one eye on the kids and one eye on the… well... just do the best you can – Iggy · Like this: they have taken him – Zatch 3. 3 Ninjas (1992) / 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994) 3 Ninjas is the oldest movie on the list. We owned it on VHS when I was a kid. The paper sleeve thing in which it was housed more or less disintegrated due to frequent consumption. I would love to go back and count the number of times someone says the word “dude.” Oh, and I’d metaphorically kill for access to the costumes. What a time capsule! I doubled up here because they are largely the same movie in my mind. · Rocky loves Emily. Rocky loves Emily. – Colt and Tum Tum · First we feast, then we felony – Fester · Slurpee? Radical! – Fester/Hammer · I won’t eat dog poop – Tum Tum · Instant diarrhea – Colt · We should run. We should hide. We should kick their butts. Rocky/Colt/Tum Tum · We don't wanna hurt you, we just wanna KIDNAP you – Fester · Freeze, Snyder! FBI! – FBI Agent · God, I love being the bad guy – Hugo Snyder · Let’s murderlize ‘em – Tum Tum · Catch the ball, not the weenie – Coach · The game is the ball – Ump · Wait ‘til the target gets as big as a melon - Grandpa · Nurse Shibuya will see you now – Kind Nurse · We forgot Glam! He’s here! – Slam · Mmm, Lemon Meringue – Slam · Four strands of rope – Grandpa 4. School of Rock (2003) This is, pure and simple, a Jack Black vehicle. He is perfect in this role and milks it for all it’s worth. It is an incredible comedy. Interestingly, the real Ned Schneebly is played by Mike White, (who also wrote the movie) the creator of the TV show The White Lotus. The movie was directed by Richard Linklater, who famously helmed the “Before” trilogy, Boyhood, and Dazed and Confused. · And Cello, it’s a bass – Dewey Finn · I’m not cool enough – Lawrence · StickItToTheManIosis – Dewey Finn · Math is a really cool thing. So get off your ath, let's do some math! Math, math, math, math, math. – Dewey Finn · Excuse me: I've just been informed that all of your children are missing, so… – Principal Mullins · This is Ned Schneebly – Dewey Finn · Nice pipes, Tomika – Dewey Finn · You’re the bee’s knees. The cat’s pajamas – Dewey Finn · You’re a fat loser and you have bad body odor – Lawrence · Step off! Step off! – Zack Mooneyham 5. Hitch (2005) Hitch is a great Rom Com and a very funny movie. If I recall correctly, it was one of Kevin James first forays outside of playing Doug Heffernan on the The King of Queens. It may also be Will Smith’s last great movie (man, did that guy have a run in the ‘90s). · This is home – Alex Hitchens · I said you come 90 and then I’LL come 10 – Alex Hitchens · Albert Brennaman – Alex Hitchens 6. Wild Wild West (1999) Action and comedy are a perfect combination. While some of the adult humor missed me when I watched this one back in the day, I quite love it. It’s ridiculous and a ton of fun. I also had no idea at the time who Ted Levine, M. Emmet Walsh (great name!), and Kenneth Branagh were. · I have but one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much. Shoot him in the head. – Artemis Gordon/ Dr. Arliss Loveless · There’s something funny about that damn rope – Lynch mob participant · Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Ooh Ess Army. Ooh Ess Marshall. – Miss Lippenrieder · I was hoping, I was hoping… that I wouldn’t have to break your nose. – Jim West · If we are pursuing Loveless, than why is he behind us? – Artemis Gordon · I’m Artemis Gordon, how did you know? – Artemis Gordon · I haven’t seen him in a coon’s age – Dr. Arliss Loveless · I just made that up – Jim West · Four of a kind always beats a pair – Dr. Arliss Loveless · The butcher of New Liberty – Jim West · Names West, James West, so remember the name – Jim West 7. A Bug's Life (1998) Absolutely one of Pixar’s finest here. Also, the short film that preceded it was the one with the old man playing chess in the park. That was by far the best one. The cast in thing is stacked with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, David Hyde Pierce, Dave Foley, Richard Kind, Kevin Spacey, Denis Leary, Bonnie Hunt, Brad Garret, a young Hayden Panittiere, and, of course, John Ratzenberger. · Princess Atta! Princess Atta! – Flick · Strictly BYOB – Flick · The bird will work – Flick · Pretend that’s a seed. - Flick · But it’s a rock. – Dot · I can’t help it. It’s so beautiful - Mosquito · I only got twenty-four hours to live, and I ain't gonna waste it here – Fly · Bartender: Bloody Mary, O-Positive – Mosquito · They’ll only laugh at me – Slim · I’m a beautiful butterfly – Heimlich · Why didn’t I think of that? Oh, because it’s suicide! – Queen · All right, who ordered the Poo Poo Platter? – Waitress · It's a bug-eat-bug world out there, princess – Hopper · They come, they eat, they leave – Princess Atta · Flaming Death! – P.T. Flea · You’re sweet. You’re wrong, but sweet – Princess Atta · You lied to her. You lied to the colony. You lied to me. – Princess Atta · This is nothing compared to the twig of ’93 – Supervising Ant · We are gonna knock them dead – Francis · Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis – Slim · Have you been playing all summer? You think this is a game? Well, guess what. You. Just. Lost. – Hopper 8. Small Soldiers (1998) Tommy Lee Jones possess the vocal gravitas to play a CGI action figure that has come to life and make him menacing. This movie is delicious and fun and I hope you got to see it before your brain fully developed and muted the unbridled joy part of cerebral town. · Mine’s GIZMO – Irwin Wayfair · Greetings! I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites – Archer · You put munitions chips in toys? – Irwin Wayfair · There will be no mercy – Major Chip Hazard · Phil? Phil? Phil? I love this song – Marion Fimple · Greetings, Alan NowShutUp – Archer · Alan Abernathy, (330)555-0125 – Alan Abernathy · Whoa. Whoa? What’s whoa? No, like WHOA – Larry Benson/Irwin Wayfair 9. Polar Express (2004) This is my most quoted Christmas movie. The visuals are heaps of fun and Tom Hanks plays nearly every adult but the movie has heart (and great songs). The key to a good Christmas movie is heart (and a Dickens-esque turn from curmudgeon to compassionate). · Better fix that hole in your pocket – Santa · Why, to the North Pole of course! This is the Polar Express – The Conductor · Caribou!? – Smokey · Hey, Hot Chocolate! – The Conductor · The first gift of Christmas! – Santa · These tickets... are not... transferable – The Conductor · We got time to kill – Know-It-All · [Honking noises at Caribou while getting beard pulled] - Steamer 10. Dunston Checks In (1996) Jason Alexander plays a single father who manages a hotel. His two kids live in the hotel and basically get free run of the place. A five-star hotel! That’d be so cool! Also, there’s a monkey, the guy from the calypso scene in Beetlejuice, and Pee Wee Herman. · …but until that time, you are both grounded – Robert Grant · I’m Lionel Spalding – Lionel Spalding · Pongo Pygmaeus – La Farge · Lord Rutledge – Robert Grant · Mrs. Dubrow – Lionel Spalding 11. The Master of Disguise (2002) The Master of Disguise was…not critically well received. I saw it the summer before I started High School. My late grandfather took me and some of my siblings to see it in the theater. It was (and to date still is) the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a movie in the theater. I don’t know if I would feel differently if I saw it now, but I really enjoyed it then and wouldn’t trade that memory for anything. · I’m going to be a master of disguise. I’m going to be a master of disguise. – Pistachio Disguisey · Am I going to fast for ya? – Texas Man · Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle! – Pistachio Disguisey · This is what you’re doing…this is what I want you to do – Pistachio Disguisey · Crazy, Papa. It’s so crazy it just might work – Pistachio Disguisey · You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha? – Pistachio Disguisey · Brave Barney Baker – Pistachio Disguisey · Why don’t you get away from me, Donkey? Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout get away from you? I’m making waffles – Pistachio Disguisey I would wager that the movie lines that have become iconic over the years are often a surprise to the person that originally came up with them. You just never know what will stick with people and stand the test of time. I know my list is a very unique collection. It is the miss-matched socks of the quote collection game. And yet, I’m proud of it. It may be a weird collection but isn’t personality just a weird collection of thoughts and experiences? What offbeat, weird, unexpected movies do you quote all the time? Please let me know in the comments. Thanks! Here’s a not-so-small list of movies that just missed my Top 11. Meet the Robinsons (2007) O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) Wallace & Grommit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) Dudley Do Right (1999) Richie Rich (1994) My Cousin Vinny (1992) Home Alone (1990) A Goofy Movie (1995) Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009) Bruce Almighty (2003) Good Burger (1997) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) Angels in the Outfield (1994) Atlantis (2001) Catch Me if You Can (2002) The Pagemaster (1994) Recess: School's Out (2001)

By CJ Tiernan Nicknames of historical figures are curious. Did all of the members of his cabinet refer to Abraham Lincoln as “Honest Abe?” Did he even like that nickname? Did they just whisper it in halls of the parliament building or whatever it is or did they say it to his face? Did that nickname even exist or was it manufactured after he, so to speak, bit the bullet? I don’t know whether some of these nicknames were crafted by contemporaries or issued by historical arbiters years later. I do know they’re pretty dope. Here is my list of the Top 11 Nicknames that have been issued to humans who are famous for something other than playing a sport (I phrased it this way because, who knows, maybe Shakespeare was a killer rugby player or something. I do know it’s not what he’s recognized for today). Click here to read my Top 11 List of Athlete Nicknames. 1. The Wizard of Menlo Park - Thomas Edison Thomas Edison is famously associated with invention. Either Edison or Ben Franklin are going to typically be the first person that pops into your head when asked to name a famous inventor. Arthur C. Clarke wrote “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The “wizard” was the man crafting inventions (or, as history has highlighted, improved upon existing inventions and commercialized them) the likes of which the world had never seen and the “Menlo Park” is the New Jersey town wherein his lab resided. Suck on that, Buzz Aldrin. You were the second man to walk on the moon and the second most famous person from Jersey (or, like, way lower than second because of Danny DeVito, Shaq, Meryl Streep, Whitney Houston, Bruce Springsteen, and Jon Bon Jovi). 2. The Bard of Avon - William Shakespeare In school you learn a handful of things. You learn how to succeed on a standardized test without necessarily learning the material, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, and that William Shakespeare wrote in a language no one else can speak. I had to “read” a lot of his plays throughout the years and yet, I don’t understand what’s happening without someone translating his English to actual English. It’s weird to me that the most famous writer of the last 500 years is incapable of relaying his message in a digestible format. Nevertheless, he was a poet (formerly called a bard) from an English town called Stratford-upon-Avon (what!?) so it led to a super cool nickname. 3. The Black Swallow of Death - Eugene Bullard This is the individual on this list you are least likely to know, and I’m not the best history teacher so I recommend you do a deep dive because it’s bonkers, but I will give some quick CliffsNotes. He was born in the US but fought in WWI for France (because racism, probably) as one of, if not the first, Black combat pilot. He was known for being fearless and his nickname came from his enemies (the ones that survived, presumably) as he flew at least 20 missions and shot down at least two planes. He was basically the Jackie Robinson of murder pilots. There’ve been books and movies crafted to tell his story, should you offer to spare the time. Also, on the side of his plane (in French) he painted “All blood runs red!” We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! 4. The Man of a Thousand Voices - Mel Blanc Mel Blanc voiced Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam, Barney Rubble, Marvin the Martian, Foghorn Leghorn, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Pepé Le Pew and Captain Caveman. He likely also voiced like 990 other characters, based on his nickname. It is very impressive and very cool. Other shows he was a part of include The Flintstones, The Jetsons, The Atom Ant/Secret Squirrel Show, Tom and Jerry, The Woody Woodpecker Show, and Heathcliff. The original version of The Carousel of Progress also featured his unique vocal talents. 5. The Man of a Million Stories - Marco Polo What’s better than a thousand voices? A thousand thousands worth of stories. Marco Polo was a famed world traveler, notably traversing the Silk Road in China and breaking bread with Kublai Khan. His tales (some of which are considered a little dubious in nature) introduced Europeans to Asian culture. Listen, you don’t rub elbows with the leader of the Mongol Empire without stealing away with a few stories. I imagine a lot of the stories would have been similar to hanging out with Vikings in their heyday, talking of pillaging and plundering and things of that ilk, but long story short: the man had tales to tell (and sell). 6. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince - Prince Eden, Janine and Jim from New York City, CC BY 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons This one is hilarious, right? Prince decides to spite his record label and transfers his identity into a symbol of love that is kind of like a mishmash of the symbols for male and female (but with a French horn or something mixed in). Because the symbol was not pronounceable and difficult to squeeze into a standard set of characters, he was (tongue housed in cheek) dubbed “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.” I can’t decide if the middle finger Prince gave his label is larger than the one the media gave him by branding Prince with this nickname, but I do know that I love this nickname (and, admittedly, a robust number of songs by He-Who-Can-Not-Be-Named). 7. The Oracle of Omaha - Warren Buffett This is a very rich dude. In a world with borderline infinity money, he still lives in a house he bought in 1958 that resides in Nebraska. As a person who grew up in Iowa, I am predisposed to hate Nebraska without rhyme or reason (I’m good with that). However, putting that aside, how do you choose to stay there? Have you never heard of Italy? Or the Maldives? Or the Moon? Anyway, he’s a stock market maven who still lives in Omaha, NE so, that’s where the nickname (which is seemingly much cooler than him) comes from. 8. The Motor City Madman - Ted Nugent You remember that picture of a wild-eyed Ted Nugent on the cover of Cat Scratch Fever? That’s the face I picture as just his natural face. Like, he grocery shops and mows the lawn and stuff with that face. He hails from the Detroit area and branded himself with the nickname, which is just crazy enough to fit perfectly with his face (and catalog of music). 9. The Muscles from Brussels - Jean-Claude Van Damme In the movie The Expendables 2, Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a Villain (2 Ls) named Vilain (1 L). That is a perfect summation of his acting range. However, if you Google him (who among us hasn’t) you’ll find his official title to be Belgian Martial Artist. If “The Muscles from Brussels” doesn’t hit the ear perfectly with that information, I don’t what will. 10. The Prince of Darkness - Ozzy Osbourne F darkbladeus, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons Did Ozzy really bite the head off a live bat? Yes (It was Des Moines, IA, there really isn’t much to do there). Did Ozzy really snort a line of ants? Yes (He was on tour with Mötley Crüe, and they were taking turns kickstarting their hearts, so…). And yet, it was his status as frontman for a band called Black Sabbath during the height of the Satanic Panic that ushered in the nickname. He just, you know, owned it. Like, really leaned into it. 11. Stormin' Norman - Norman Schwarzkopf Oh boy, more Social Studies homework. This guy was a general in the US Army during the Gulf War (’90-‘91ish). He is highly decorated and we offer our salutes to show proper respect for his efforts in keeping our nation safe. He’s also named Norman, like the guy from Cheers. He earned the Stormin’ half of his rhyming moniker from his intense, no-nonsense leadership style during the Gulf War. He had a desire to be at the front of the pack with his troops and was famous for his aggressive tactics. The media latched onto the rhyme and ran with it. Funny how that happens. Before today, “Stormin’ Norman” was all I knew about Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf. Salute to you, sir. There have got to be a million nicknames floating around out there for historical figures. It seems like political figures have them a lot, but there are some good ones for other disciplines as well. If you’ve got one you feel should have been on the list, please let me know in the comments section. Thanks so much for reading! I left a few nicknames that just missed my list down below. Vlad the Impaler - Vlad Tepes Honest Abe - Abraham Lincoln The King of Pop - Michael Jackson

By CJ Tiernan Canada has exported an incredible number of actors. Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, Keanu Reeves, John Candy, both Ryans Gosling and Reynolds, and Donald Sutherland are some of the laundry list of Canadian actors we've had the pleasure of being entertained by. Rachel McAdams belongs on the list. She has been nominated for an Academy Award and has starred in some of the best movies of the last two-plus decades. Below is a list of my Top 11 Favorite Movies Featuring Rachel McAdams that I’ve ever seen. Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America, CC BY-SA 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons 1. Wedding Crashers (2005) This is one of the funniest movies of all time. While the conceit is a little single-note, the execution is perfection. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are an incredible comedy duo (look no further than their recent Xfinity commercials) but this movie displays them at the peak of their powers. Rachel McAdams is the love interest and driving force of the story and conflict. It was one of her earlier roles and one of her best. 2. About Time (2013) Cool time travel movie alert! If you haven’t seen this movie, do yourself a favor and get on it. It is one of the best rom coms of all time and one of the best time travel movies. Domhnall Gleeson (pronounced as though the ‘m’ isn’t present. Also, he’s the son of the guy that plays Mad Eye Moody) plays a guy who has gotten the ability to travel in time genetically and attempts to use it to improve his life. Rachel McAdams once again stars as the love interest. 3. Spotlight (2015) It will not surprise you to find that this movie is incredible. It won the Academy Award for best picture in a strong year that included The Martian, Sicario, Mad Max: Fury Road, Everest, and The Big Short. It is a tough subject that is portrayed in a really fascinating way. “Spotlight” follows a small group of journalists inside The Boston Globe that help unearth a local coverup inside of the Catholic church. What are they covering up? The rampant sexual abuse of children. It is a devastating movie that is top notch from start to finish. This was Rachel McAdams lone Oscar nomination, a Best Supporting Actress nod. 4. Midnight in Paris (2011) Cool. Let’s follow up a story about the sexual abuse of children with a movie written and directed by Woody Allen. I’m a big separate the art from the artist kind of guy, but if you’re not than your list probably looks a little different. This movie, the second time travel movie in the first four here, follows Owen Wilson (another second in the first four) as a writer who, while on vacation with his fiancée (Rachel McAdams), transports back on time while going on midnight walks from his hotel. The movie is steeped in nostalgia and introspection, which can be difficult to portray on film, but is absolutely nailed here. 5. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (2020) I love this movie. It is very weird. It follows Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams as lifelong friends in Iceland who enter the Eurovision Song Contest, despite the outside pressure and commentary that they aren’t good enough. Both actors play it so straight it is perfection. As an added bonus, the music is genuinely great. 6. Game Night (2018) John Francis Daley (Sweets in “Bones”) co-directed this movie. He was also involved in the writing and/or directing of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, and Horrible Bosses. It was an underrated gem. Co-starring Jason Bateman, Lamorne Morris, Kyle Chandler, and Jesse Plemons, this movie follows the titular couple activity going completely off the rails. It’s worth your time and quite rewatchable. 7. Sherlock Holmes (2009) Guy Ritchie movies, amirite? You know what you’re stepping into when you go to one of these. In a word: hyper-stylized violence. It’s awesome. Robert Downey Jr. is your Sherlock and Jude Law serves as your Watson. Rachel McAdams plays the femme fatale that hires Sherlock to find a missing dude, kicking off the plot. This is a fun one. 8. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (2023) This was based on the book of the same name. I didn’t read the book. I don’t know how it stacks up against the book. All I can tell you is the movie is incredible. They did a great job of casting in this one. The kids are incredible. Kathy Bates is wonderful. Rachel McAdams plays the mother of the main character and is fantastic. I highly recommend this movie, even if you aren’t a young woman navigating puberty. Added bonus, the sometimes-best friend of Margaret is named Nancy Wheeler (where my Stranger Things fans at?). 9. Doctor Strange (2016) This was not the strongest offshoot of the MCU but it was still pretty great and exposes a lot of the mythos and lore required during the Avengers movies. Benedict Cummerbund looks dope as a doctor turned wizard and Rachel McAdams plays a fellow doctor and (stop me if you’ve heard this one before) love interest. Some of the magical stuff is tough to follow but, again, Benedict Cucumber looks dope. 10. Mean Girls (2004) I graduated High School in ’06. This movie was quoted an awful lot in my periphery back in the day. It was well deserved. The movie, written by Tina Fey and based on the book “Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman,” features kids in cliques trying to make it to graduation. Rachel McAdams plays the Queen Bee and Lindsay Lohan (remember her?) plays a naïve transplant that is caught between friend groups. It’s one of the better High School movies out there (although it didn’t make my Top 11 High School Movies) and worth checking out. 11. Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022) A lot of things happen in this movie. It’s all over the place and that results in its place behind the first movie on this list. However, some of the stuff is really cool. Elizabeth Olsen is an Avenger that largely plays the bad guy. The MCU brass also crammed in a bunch of new characters like a recasting or rehashing of some superheroes from other movies. The best character is a new one they added for the movie named America Chavez. Rachel McAdams’ Dr. Palmer gets a little bit more to do in this movie but it’s not the most exciting plotline. Fun Fact: the movie was directed by Sam Raimi of Evil Dead fame. Rachel McAdams is in an incredible number of great movies. It kind of sneaks up on you how many great ones she’s been in because she is rarely the star of the show. Her performances are spot on time and time again and she makes great choices. Sing her praises! Below is a list of the three movies I’ve seen of hers that didn’t make my list. Thanks so much! Red Eye (2005) Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011) The Notebook (2004)

By CJ Tiernan A song has the power to hit you in the face; to bowl you over. It can strike an emotional chord that plucks your heartstrings like a harp. Or, sometimes it’s just really funny. Either way, when you hear a song like that, you will often seek that song out to discover more songs by the artist. Unfortunately, sometimes that song is by an artist that doesn’t exist. They have no sprawling oeuvre because they are simply a character in a TV Show or Movie. Alas, you can’t win them all. Below is a list of my Top 11 favorite songs I've ever heard by fictional artists. 1. “Shallow” by Ally and Jackson Maine - A Star is Born Lady Gaga is real. Technically, her real name is Stefani Germanotta, but she is very real. However, she and Bradley Cooper (triple-threat writer/director/actor) star in the movie as an up-and-coming pop star and a descending alcoholic musician, respectively. They make magic when they meet in the middle with this beautiful song. While some of the other songs in the movie are tinged with (née drenched in) melancholy, this is a raw, emotional power ballad. “Always Remember Us This Way” is also fantastic. 2. “Man Of Constant Sorrow” by The Soggy Bottom Boys - O Brother, Where Art Thou? Only in a Coen Brothers film, could a trio of escaped convicts place a pause on running away from the law and toward buried treasure to cut a record. The song itself is over a century old, meaning it would have been relatively new at the time of the movie, but the first time I heard it was watching this movie. It is a wonderful hit and the fake beards really tie the band together. 3a. “Stand Out” by Powerline - A Goofy Movie Powerline is a pop superstar that feels like an amalgamation of Prince and Michael Jackson, with moves like Jagger. I couldn’t decide which of his songs to put on the list, so you get both. “Stand Out” allows Max Goof to express himself and impress the girl he likes. 3b. “I2I” by Powerline - A Goofy Movie Both songs were performed by Tevin Campbell when he was still in his teens. That’s pretty impressive for a teenager. When I was a teenager, I binge-watched the first couple of seasons of Lost and learned how to gleek. Game recognize game. 4. “5,000 Candles in the Wind” by Mouse Rat - Parks and Rec Andy Dwyer, portrayed by the incomparable Chris Pratt, is charged with creating a song for the funeral of a miniature horse named Li’l Sebastian. He attempts to create a song that is 5000 times sadder than “Candle in the Wind” by Elton John. It’s surprising the name is a little on the nose because of how great Mouse Rat was at coming up with band names. These are, after all, the same guys that came up with Scarecrow Boat, Scrotation Marks, Threeskin, Fiveskin, and Everything Rhymes with Orange, along with countless others. 5. “Husavik (My Hometown)” by Fire Saga - Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga is a weird movie. It is so earnest, but it follows a couple musicians whom we are led to believe simply don’t have the goods, dude. But God bless ‘em they’ve got heart. They are relentless in the pursuit of their dreams and they mostly refuse to listen to naysayers. Then, we get to this incredible song at the end and it absolutely blows you away and melts your heart. While the masses may clamor for more “Jaja Ding Dong,” this song is the absolute star of the show. 6. “School of Rock” by School of Rock - School of Rock Most of the music in this Jack Black vehicle are classic rock staples. You pour over the soundtrack and we’re talking artists like Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Cream, The Who, and The Ramones. Nevertheless, it is this song that is the culmination of the whole shebang. It is the, well it’s the title of the movie, and of the band, but it’s also the thesis of the story. It packs energy, embraces teamwork, and turns the tide on the parental sentiment (which takes a lot because just before the scene, Principal Mullins a.k.a. Joan Cusack tells them she’s “just been informed that all of your kids are missing.”) As a bonus, StickItToTheManiosis is a legendary rock ‘n’ roll affliction (like Syphilis). 7. “Let's Go to the Mall” by Robin Sparkles - How I Met Your Mother New York news reporter Robin Scherbatsky is revealed to have been a Canadian teen pop star. It is such a satisfying turn as she is often the most buttoned up and put together of the bunch. In a world where “the 80s didn’t come to Canada until like ’93,” we get a delicious, peppy teen tune complete with maximum levels of denim and a robot. Warning: the song is an earworm. Once you teen pop, the fun don’t stop. 8. “Please Mr. Kennedy” by The John Glenn Singers - Inside Llewyn Davis Inside Llewyn Davis is the first time I ever saw Adam Driver on screen. What an absolute treat! He doesn’t have a big role in this movie, but boy oh boy does Driver deliver. In the song, he offers what can best be described as verbal sound effects. He is like the hype man for a 1960s song. It is so wonderfully offbeat it will surprise no one that it once again is a Coen Brothers film. Those guys don’t believe in half-measures. This whole soundtrack is the bee's knees and a bag of chips. 9. “Loser Like Me” by The William McKinley High Glee Club - Glee This is an anthem for the marginalized and disenfranchised. “Loser Like Me” is a High School clap back at bullies. It is friggin’ catchy! While Glee is known mostly for covering artists, this song is one of their first and only originals. It is seemingly designed specifically to be played at maximum volume whilst singing along in your car alone but feel free to conduct your own experiments. 10. “Gitchee Gitchee Goo” by Phineas and the Ferb-Tones - Phineas and Ferb As a send-up of the love song genre, Phineas and Ferb nailed it with this one. Comprised largely of nonsense words, “Gitchee Gitchee Goo” is catchy and poppy and full of verve. Tragically, this was Phineas and the Ferb-Tones’ one and only foray into the pop song space. Perhaps the loss to Marty the Rabbit Boy and his Musical Blender hit them hard. But probably not. They tend to shrug everything off, like their inventions (and pet platypus) disappearing on a daily basis. 11. “I'm So Humble” by Connor4Real - Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping The Lonely Island was responsible for ushering SNL into the digital (short) age and possibly for a lot of unwanted packages in packages. They also brought forth a rather underrated comedy gem in Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping. I’m admittedly a sucker for a mocumentary and for a musical. If you dare to trod where few ever have and mish-mash the two together than I’m hopping to the front of the line decked out in bells from head to toe. The Bin Laden song is also worthy of your time (and a very confusing sentence if you’re unfamiliar with the soundtrack). I love movies and television and music. When we get to smush together multiple buckets it makes my insides all warm and fuzzy. I find it quite enjoyable to be entertained by an entertainer who is being played by an entertainer (insert mind blown emoji here). These are my Top 11ish but if you have one I missed, please be sure to let me know in the comments. I left a small list below of the ones that just missed my list. Thanks! I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun by Lindana - Phineas and Ferb Werewolf Bar Mitzvah by Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song) by Conner4Real - Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping Sandcastles in the Sand by Robin Sparkles - How I Met Your Mother That Thing You Do! by The Wonders - That Thing You Do! Killer Tofu by The Beets - Doug Machinery Of Torment by Skullflower - Metal Lords You Snuck Your Way Right Into My Heart by Love Händel - Phineas and Ferb Fever Dog by Stillwater - Almost Famous