Top 11 Condiments

By CJ Tiernan

Whether employed as a dipping sauce, or slathered atop a dish like special shampoo on a lice kid, the condiment is an essential piece on the cuisine checkerboard. It can supplement, enhance, or straight-up drown-out the flavor of the food in question. I’m a big condiment guy. I’ve been known to apply liberally. I’m the guy at a restaurant who orders an extra side of sauce before the meal even comes because, c’mon son, one little container? Who do you think I am? Below is My Top 11 List of greatest condiments. Please enjoy. (No spices were considered in the making of this list, just the saucy types).

1. Barbecue Sauce

You know what the key ingredient to a good barbecue sauce is? Sugar! I’ll ride this sugar train all the way to funky town. Barbecue sauce often rides shotgun to a BBQ meal, which are the best! Smoked meats, grilled meats, meats on a kabob, any meats go great with barbecue sauce. I’ve never tried it as a salad dressing, but I’ve also never said no to it as a salad dressing so, who knows? It’s great for a whole bunch of stuff and as long as they don’t go overboard with the Worcestershire sauce, we’re good.

2. Salsa

There is an entire cuisine that enters battle with Salsa as it’s champion condiment. Mexican cuisine is the gato’s pajamas! Chips, burritos, tacos, huevos rancheros, it’s all wonderful with salsa on top. I’m a big salsa on my eggs guy and salsa has been keeping my chips wet for decades (my apologies: that sounds dirtier than I intended).

3. Ketchup

Me, my new ketchup, and a Ninja Turtle, Christmas '93

Fun fact: for Christmas one year I was gifted a bottle of ketchup by my paternal grandma. Actually, it was a two-pack. The word is out: your boy loves ketchup. Heinz dominates the market for good reason. It’s top notch, A+ stuff. Oh, and if you, like me, put ketchup on your hot dog: that’s great! Good for you. It’s your food, you deserve to have it served however you like (if you like – T.I.). All the hot dog elites that try and tell people how they should consume their own food can kick rocks (and surrender their hot dogs).

4. Maple Syrup

Breakfast condiment time! I personally don’t really mind if it’s real maple syrup or fake maple syrup, they’re all fantastic on pancakes (and waffles, and French toast, and oatmeal, and when they accidentally bump up against your bacon and eggs). I tend to swim in the Log Cabin waters when the option is available but they’re all fantastic. I do, however, firmly stand on the pronunciation as SIR-up, not SEAR-up (but again, do you. It’s your food).

5. Buffalo Sauce

I like a little kick in the pants every now and again whilst dinning; something that says both “you’re alive” and “you’re mortal.” It’s a delicate balance that Buffalo sauce strikes with aplomb. Do you know the difference between Buffalo sauce and hot sauce? They add melted butter to the hot sauce to make it Buffalo. That’s it. Living proof that adding melted butter to anything improves the product (I’m not legally responsible for whatever you do with the previous sentence).

6. Bleu Cheese Dressing

Bleu cheese is an acquired taste. It is, in fact, a frequent P.I.C. (partner in crime) with Buffalo sauce. I’ve come to quite enjoy a little tang from cheese crumbles and when you can turn them into a pourable potable, well now you’ve struck gold. I’m curious how Parisians got a stranglehold on salad dressing monikers as they got to both choose the spelling of “Blue” and make their own style: French.

7. Caesar Dressing

This is my go-to salad dressing. I can’t tell you how many times I had it before I found out that a common ingredient in Caesar Dressing is anchovies. Anchovies? The little fish that the Ninja Turtles put on their pizza? Gross! But I love the dressing. So, do I love anchovies? I don’t know. I hope to never find out, to be honest, because they look so off-putting. But I’m torn because, would Michaelangelo and them boys ever steer me astray?

8. Pesto

Yes, it’s a pasta sauce. It’s also a superb sandwich spread. It’s versatile. It’s the utility infielder of the condiment world. If you’re allergic to pine nuts, it may negatively affect your ability to stay ambulatory but don’t misunderstand me: it’s worth it. (I’m not legally responsible for whatever you do with the previous sentence).

9. Aioli

Aioli sounds classy, doesn’t it? Like, the second you tell someone you’re eating a sandwich with aioli, their subconscious gives you several additional respect points like Tony Reali on Around the Horn. Garlic and olive oil: the best duo since Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart.

10. Mayo

Ah, mayo: the next-door neighbor of aioli. Mayo is to Walmart what Aioli is to Whole Foods. What I don’t understand is how it can be made from eggs and shelf stable for a year. What is going on there? Science! Magical, mysterious (safe to consume) science!

11. Hot Sauce

There are only 3 ingredients in Hot Sauce (the basic level, anyway): chili peppers, vinegar, and salt. That’s why it can sit on the table of your local breakfast establishment, untouched for years, until you stroll in and dribble it on your sunny side up. Two of the three ingredients are preservatives. It can hold down the fort in your pantry indefinitely, like honey (Wait! Crap! Is honey a condiment?).

Final Thoughts

 

My mouth is watering just thinking about all these condiment options. I wonder what it would taste like if you mixed all 11 together, like with sodas at your local Taco Bell. Probably awesome! It would probably create Awesome Sauce! Anyway, this is the list of my Top 11 favorite condiments I’ve ever tried. If you really like one that you think I left off the list, let me know in the comments. Thanks! Have a great day!