Top 11 Celebrity Names
- CJ Tiernan
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
By CJ Tiernan
Every single person has a name. It’s famously a common way of telling one another apart (along with finger prints, dental records, and whether you’re Team Edward or Team Jacob) and used to gather attention when shouted across a room. If it’s supposed to be a unique designation, why do we end up with so many people named John or Jack or Bort? Names, to make a long story short, need to be more adventurous. We need to normalize having names crazy enough that asking someone how their name is spelled is a daily task. I worked with a Dhruv once. That was sick. Moon Unit is easily spelled, but it never caught on. We need more of that. Anyway, some parents out there managed to pull the trigger and actually give their kids some out-of-the-box names. Below is my list of the Top 11 Greatest Celebrity Names I’ve ever heard. The list is restricted to humans that lived during my lifetime (Historical Names as a future Top 11? Stay tuned). Enjoy!
1. Wolf Blitzer
This is a news guy. I don’t really ever watch him or know exactly what flavor of news because, well, the news is disappointing and life is too short to actively seek out disappointment. Wolf Blitzer sounds like the designation of a linebacker when you bring a creative pressure package in football. The internet once proclaimed, “always be yourself, unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman.” I would like to alter that claim to include being named Wolf Blitzer. Life just seems like it’s steeped in pizazz when you’re named Wolf Blitzer (dibs on Steeped in Pizazz as my band name).
2. Alexis Denisof
This sounds like the name of a Bond villain or a Russian Oligarch. It is quite the surprise to find it’s a man who played a nebbish character in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with his nose always buried in a book. You can, however, rest assured that he played a character with an equally satisfying name: Wesley Wyndam-Price. He also played Sandy Rivers in How I Met Your Mother so he knows how the name game is played. Say, here’s a fun game to play. What gender do you first associate with the name Alexis? I think of it first as a women’s name, but I’ve actually met more men with the name. It’s a game you can play with a lot of different names: Jamie, Angel, Parker, Jordan, Quinn, Ash, Riley, and so many more!
3. Zazie Beetz
I have a rule. It, like all rules, is fragile and usually kept in a drawer where it can’t be accidently broken, but it goes as follows: Z is cool. The letter ‘Z’ is inarguably awesome and beefs up not only the word in which it is contained, but like a superspreader with no sense of social distance principals, tags the words in its immediate vicinity, enhancing the cool. Why do you think they use it as the symbol for someone being asleep? There are no Zs in sleep. Parents commissioned Big Sleep way back in the day to use the ‘Z’ to make sleep cool so their kids would go to bed and they could watch the latest episode of Murder, She Wrote, or whatever. Zazie Beetz has three Zs. Three! She’s got so much cool she can sell it back to the A/C company for a profit.
4. Rip Torn
Alright, here it is. The question you’ve had ever since you first saw the end credits to Men in Black. Is Rip Torn this guy’s real name? The answer: kinda. His birth name is Elmore Rual Torn but he, like many family members before him (including both his father and grandfather) was given the nickname “Rip”. It was part of a longstanding tradition. I, as someone who goes by CJ and has all my life, support a nickname used in everyday life as a real name. So, yeah. We’ve got a dude named Rip Torn running around out there (or, at least, we did until 2019). But, Patches O’Houlihan would not have wanted us to weep. He’d want us to get back out there and dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge everything life has to throw at us.
5. Benedict Cumberbatch
What if you owned a breakfast restaurant and you fleshed out the offerings purely with menu items that played on celebrity names. You’ve got the French Stewart Toast, the Kevin Bacon Strips, and the Mr. Iced T., all served at a table with Salt-N-Pepa and Sugar Ray Leonard. You play songs off the Breakfast in America album, “Toast” by Streetband and “Banana Pancakes” by Jack Johnson. What a fun idea! Did we just write a business plan? Anyway, Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch was the non-sequitur, if you were confused.
6. Rider Strong
Is it too on the nose to call this a strong name? The guy that played Corey’s friend Shawn in Boy Meets World, the classic rebellious teen. If the name isn’t the very epitome of a strong name, I don’t know what is. You want to know his middle name? It’s King. He is Rider King Strong. That is the very quintessence of my point about using names. Assign your child a kingdom at birth and they’ll never hunger again.
7. Giancarlo Esposito
I like when a name sounds like a line of poetry. There is rhythm to this name. It takes you on a sonic ride, as though you’re being swished back and forth through the air like the rapier of Zorro. I have zero idea what ethnicity he is (apart from American), but he knows multiple languages and carries himself with such regal grace I would gladly serve under his royal tutelage. Salute to you, you magnificent, 8-syllable wonder of the world.
8. Temple Grandin
This sounds more like a location secreted away by the Knights Templar than the moniker of a woman, but that’s what makes it fun. She is perhaps the most famous person to gain notoriety for a disorder since Hellen Keller, but she is so much more. Grandin is an animal scientist and an inventor, but she’s is also an author and an advocate. Creator of the hug machine (also called squeeze machine and hug box, because squeeze box was already taken by the accordion), she is a champion for those on the autism spectrum, because she, herself, resides there.
9. Finn Wolfhard
Alright. So, what did we learn here? We’ve clearly learned that putting the word “wolf” in your name instantly makes your name dope. This is the guy that played Mike in Stranger Things. Can you imagine going through life everyday as Finn Wolfhard and then having to pivot to Mike? It’s like enjoying a lasagna dinner every day and then suddenly being forced to consume seaweed snacks instead [involuntary shiver at the thought of eating seaweed].
10. Mahershala Ali
Muhammad Ali did kind of a fun thing. He took the name “Ali”, which already meant elevated or exalted, and made it synonymous with “the greatest”. He managed this whilst also having the most common first name in the world (as any 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor can attest). Mahershala (pronounced how it’s spelled) took the name in another direction. Raise a hand for every Mahershala you’ve met in person. Wow, would you look at that. You didn’t drop your phone.
11. Taika Waititi
Usually, the term four eyes is used as a pejorative against those who wear glasses. It is an antiquated insult that seemingly would actually be a benefit if true, unless the bonus eyes were on your feet or something (dibs on Bonus Eyes as my band name). But Taika Waititi has four of the letter I in his name so, I doubt he endured such name calling episodes in his native New Zealand. Like Zazie Beetz before him, he appears to have the wonderful personality to much the whimsical name.
Final Thoughts
Yes, I will admit, not every single name on here is actually a birth name. Take that as an invitation. If you feel you are destined for greatness, but you’re saddled with the name Jane Smith or, heaven forbid, Gilbert, you can change your name. It might involve a court and some legal documents, but you have the power to match your identity to your identifier. Once you get over that age-18 hurdle, your parents wipe their hands of you and you can do the same of them (although, like, I love my family, so I can’t really envision or condone that action personally but, you do you). If I missed any of your favorite names, please let me know in the comments. I will leave a list of some of the names that just missed my Top 11. Again, as everyone has a name, it was a long list to choose from. Thanks! Have a great day!
Comments