Top 11 Top 11 Lists
By CJ Tiernan
Naval gazing (which is neither a reference to a seedless variety of orange fruit nor a way of describing a look into the middle distance by a member of our aquatic armed forces) is inherently self-indulgent. To look back at one’s own work and choose which best stands the test of time is to stare in to the face of God, hold up a hand, and say, “I’ve got this, big guy.” It’s wrong. To gaze upon one’s own naval requires a mirror, which is a private, intimate thing and yet I’m holding it up here for all to see (well, not all. I’m aware of how many people actually read my lists and “all” is not accurate). Nevertheless, I persist. I’m looking at the man in the mirror, not in a Michael Jackson “change his ways” manner, but engaging in a retrospective. A riffle through the pages of a yearbook, linger by the trophy case sort of thing. After reaching 100 Top 11 Lists, I’ve gone through and ranked the ones I feel are the most engaging, entertaining, and well written. Please enjoy my Top 11 Top 11 Lists.
You know that Sam & Dave song “Soul Man” that’s featured prominently in The Blues Brothers? Picture me singing a version of that called “I’m a Sauce man.” Your boy is a big ol’ fan of condiments. I don’t delight in a drizzle or a taste either, I prefer to slather, dunk, and bathe food in my condiments of choice. Ooh, another song idea! Change Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” to “Condiment of Choice” (although it’s tough to decipher the lyrics… or even hear them at all over Christopher Walken’s dance moves).
My first thought is vegetables schmechtables (followed immediately by how does one spell schmechtables). I have heard grown men refer to salad as rabbit food (as a pejorative, obviously) and children often reject greens out of hand. Salad does not always conjure up the image of an ideal meal. And yet, I’ve pieced together 11 salads that I’m on board with eating over and over again. Whether as an appetizer or an entrée, the salad (much like the fake bird in A Bug’s Life) will work.
I don’t think that we fully knew or understood it at the time, but with the benefit of almost 3 decades of hindsight (3 decades!) it’s clear the 90s were a singular time. From the fashion for function, to the “I don’t care” attitudes, the 90s were the most clearly defined era and decade of my life. The music is reflective of that. In this list, I capture the quintessence of the 90s in pop music form (with a dash of angst-riddled grunge mixed in).
Going to school is hard, but watching others go to school is entertaining. Which element of human psychology can adequately explain this juxtaposition? Behold the glory of misery when it’s not our misery. Obviously, the typical TV student will experience more drama than a real person because, hey, we’re working on churning out 6 seasons and a movie over here, but it can be a little cathartic to see the trials and tribulations of teens play out in front of our eyes without the stakes and stress of having to be a piece on the gameboard.
The idea that Top 11 Tables made it into my Top 5 is either damning evidence of a woeful list or high praise on my ability to draw entertainment from the mundane. I clearly lean toward the latter (but I couldn’t possibly be more biased). My list proves to be a little less straightforward than you’re envisioning (more alpinist, less drag race) so pull up a chair and engage in the harrowing tales of tables (Harrowing Tales of Tables is a great choice for a new tongue twister).
I miss the simplicity of a children’s book. At the onset, you’re guaranteed a happy ending and that you won’t have to look up complicated words like philatelist or eosinophilic esophagitis (a stamp collector and inflammatory throat disease, respectively). Sure, there were some words you didn’t know (remember using the phrase “context clues”?), but you had pictures and parents to aide in your endeavors and help you if you stumbled. Plus, some words weren’t real anyway. Think of all the words that Dr. Seuss made up like nerd, and Sneetches, and The Lorax. That Dr. Seuss, man. One of one.
Years of adhering to social norms have forged in me the belief that I can’t put dessert first. That being said, this list is too delicious to put last. If you are expecting to find pies, cakes, and cookies aplenty, well then, I gave this list a great title because that’s exactly what’s in store for you. Sugar: they put it on the top of the food pyramid because it’s the best! A king looking down upon its lowly serfs (or whatever the caste system was that Egypt employed umpteen years ago).
When someone warbles a note with such crystalline beauty that an involuntary tear is shed, we often say they have the voice of an angel. When we picture an angel, we usually picture a cherubic, winged figure. Do NOT Google a picture of a biblically accurate angel. It is just eyes and wings all the way down. Yikes! All this is to say, the best voices among us are arresting in their resplendence and must celebrated. This list is my attempt to do so.
Words are hard. How many expressions do we have in our feeble little language designed to articulate the feeling of not having the words we need to express our thoughts and feelings? “I’m drawing a blank,” “It’s on the tip of my tongue,” “It slipped my mind.” We even have words like whatchamacallit and thingamabob and he-who-must-not-be-named as placeholders for the words just out of reach. I have so much respect for those who know multiple languages because I only know one and it still feels like an uphill battle some days. Enjoy this celebration of words!
There’s one rule in Pokémon: you gotta catch ‘em all. That’s it. That’s the goal. I fancy myself as a bit of a collector. I have a handsome collection of keychains and pint glasses from my travels, as well as over 40 different editions of the board game monopoly. In none of these instances have I “collected them all.” The completionist in me is most displeased. But when it comes to Pokémon: I HAVE collected ‘em all. In Pokémon Go I got all 151 of the original generation so, you know, I’m amazing (and spend my time wisely).
To err is human, to design: divine. This list honors those who have created a visual world so enticing and enveloping it stays with you long after the credits roll. From sweeping landscapes and castles of yore, to industrial space vessels and futuristic tech, the movies highlighted on this list feel real, even when they can’t be. That’s Hollywood, baby.
Final Thoughts
I had a great deal of fun rereading all 100 of the lists I’ve published so far. Some made me cringe but a lot them actually entertained me. I hope you felt the same (about the entertainment, not the cringe). I will leave a small list below to round out my Top 25. Thanks for reading and here’s to the next 100 Top 11 Lists! Have a great a day!
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